Just Send a Card...I'm busy Making Death Videos

March 15, 2019 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  It is literally the dumbest thing in the entire world and has no place in my life...but I'm sure that is what anyone says when they are diagnosed with something they have no alignment with.

May 14, 2019 I will have the little shit extracted from my right boob.  It speaks to me when I lay down at night, reminding me it is there.  A little buzzing here and a little throbbing there just to remind me that it is there.  I'm sure it is all in my head, but it seems real as can be, the buzzing that is.

Over the past few weeks I have had to walk through exactly what cancer means to me.  I have paid attention to exactly what is important to me and what shakes me to my core and what doesn't really bother me..yet.  So far the biggest thing that bothers me is that people don't quite understand the value and importance of a card.  Yep, I have cancer and I'm pissed that I haven't received more cards. Can you imagine how stupid that is?

Well it is true.  I want cards and notes and letters.  I want shit in the mail to tell me that cancer is a big deal and they took the moment to send me something letting me know they support me.  How nuts right? Well, I will tell you, the next time someone I know gets cancer, they are getting a card, in the mail, with postage.  Because it means a lot.  Sure I have received a few, but I want a ton of them.  I mean what is the point of getting cancer if everyone isn't totally and completely being really nice to me? I mean I'm not asking for a casserole or anything??

That said, I want a card, not a phone call.  Phone calls are something I have to do.  A situation where I have to make the other person feel better about my cancer.  I have to tell them I'm ok and that I'm going to be fine and and and, I don't want to have to explain anything, because I can't even make sense out of how I feel enough to tell anyone else how to feel, but I don't want them to feel bad, just send a freaking card. Let me know you love me.  Selfish, yes,... but I don't care.

My surgeon is an asshole.  The day we went through the "what if's" of the surgery and what will happen after the surgery she gave me more shit about drinking alcohol and that the sugar, and the estrogen and that 7 drinks a week is a lot.  Like is this really what we are discussing?  I just cut my alcohol ingestion from about 30 drinks a week to 7!!! That's almost being in AA here and I'm doing it and now she's saying 3 a week is good?? Not happening.  I'm keeping it to 7 and I'll be good.  I mean what is the point of living if I can't even drink wine and margaritas? (that being said, I'm not a alcoholic and if I were, quitting is worth living...yadda).

So I have a few more weeks before my surgery.  And now I'm starting to panic a little that I'm going to die in surgery.  If I were getting a tummy tuck, facelift and boob job like I want, I guarantee I wouldn't be thinking twice about dying, but since this is cancer surgery, I'm certain I'm going to die.  I have already put a note in my phone called "Meredyth Funeral," so there are no mess-ups with what I want, and I am contemplating (at 1, 2, and 3:00 a.m.) making videos for all my kids, husband etc. for them to watch when I am dead.

"If you are watching this Cody, that means I am dead..."

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking about at night.

I'm not afraid to die at all.  I'm a medium so I know death is not a big deal or a problem.  I'm afraid to leave my kids and then they are all "my mom is dead."  I don't want to leave them with that.  It's too early.  So I want to live for them.  I want to live for my parents and friends and husband.  I wouldn't mind meeting a grandchild or two and seeing them get married, of course.  But my main concern is that weight that would be on them forever, if their mom died.  That's quite a pile of shit for a kid.

So here I sit on a Sunday, charcoal face mask on, in my robe and slippers while my family is out and about and I contemplate what to actually say in my "I'm dead if you're watching this" video, and all I can think about is; "stay a virgin for as long as possible, don't do drugs harder than pot and don't get a divorce at the first sign of trouble because a long marriage is wonderful." That's good content, right?

Looking at your death straight in the eye is sobering, knowing there could be a date attached to it is mind-blowing.  Planning for its possibility is dizzying.

I'm thinking a glass of wine tonight at dinner is called for... I think I'll open the bottle now and let it breathe. And maybe a little vino will silence this piece of crap cancer that likes to talk to me all night...here's hoping.