Should a Mom Work, Divorce, Stay Home?

There has been a long-standing debate as to whether or not a mother should stay home with her children or go out into the workplace and have a career.  People have judged and weighed-in on whom is a better mother, and if a child can grow-up mentally and emotionally healthy if their mom works out of the home. Countless mommies beat themselves up on a regular basis because they "want it all" all with no answer if they are doing it wrong..... So here goes, it matters, and this is why.

The key to being a good mom is being happy.  Period.

I was thinking back to my childhood and to my older children's childhood and I was wondering, "why did this happen" or "why was that going on?"  And the answer that I came up with each and every time was, MOM WASN'T HAPPY!   Each and every time I have been angry, upset, stresses, lost, alone, frustrated or short, I can look to unhappiness.  I can look to my childhood and see that as my mom went, the house went.

Perhaps, in many households, the mom does NOT want to stay home but does so out of "obligation" or societal pressures from friends or family or herself?  Perhaps what she truly wants is a big flashy career far away from diapers and wipes?  So is she happy?  Is she being the best mom she can be?  I say no.

There are so many countless rules that we apply to our lives, so many countless ideals, values, norms and countless other useless labels that don't serve us.  There are so many "goods" and "bads" and "shoulds" and "should nots," none of which serve anyone.  And now as I look to what quality is it that makes a mom a "GOOD MOM," I see that happiness is number one.

I believe that this goes for bad marriages, bad jobs, bad living situations, bad hair, bad nutrition and being ill.  I believe that staying in a marriage "for the children" is probably the least good idea a person can have for that child.  The child knows, and where there is no happiness, the child suffers.  Period.

I watched The Real Housewives of Orange County last night and Vicky was blubbering on about how she has been divorced twice and this and that about her children and she is always going on about how God hates divorce.  Wrong.  She was in a bad relationship that wasn't working because of whomever and she was obviously miserable so she is getting a divorce.  Fine.  Who's counting?  Who cares?

But people say, "but the kids will suffer," and I hear that, but show me a household where two people WANT a divorce and aren't getting one and I will show you a household with miserable children.  Period.

So it doesn't matter if mommy works.  It doesn't matter if you get a divorce.  It doesn't matter if you are a single mom without a dad in the picture, as long as you are truly, insanely, outwardly happy.  As long as you can parent with love and kindness, patience and warmness.... none of it matters.  As long as you aren't resenting, angry, "ready to blow," frustrated, alone, sad or depressed, you are in a place to parent.

So to all the working, happy, fulfilled mommies out there, well done.  To all the divorced, settled, happy, free mommies out there, it's ok.  To all the single mommies out there doing it alone, chin up and enjoy the solitude of those moments with your child, you are number one to them!  To all the people contemplating divorce and wondering how it will hurt their child, do what you will do, but when you do it, be happy.

To many of us use "should" as a reason for our decisions and so many of those decisions are without happiness.  So many of us use God as an excuse for what we do and don't do and never stop and ask, "why would God want me to be miserable?"  We need to look to the basic reason of our existence and realize that we are meant to be happy.  We need to realize that if we boil the decision down to pure joy and happiness, (not fun or debauchery), we will learn that decisions made from a place of joy, brings more joy.  Parenting from a place of joy, brings joy and joy-FULL children.

God doesn't want us to do anything.  God doesn't hate divorce or working moms.  God wants us to find our way in life.  God wants us to be joyful.  God wants us to find peace.  God wants us to find happiness, and God understands that we might not get it right the first marriage, or that we may want to work and have a family or that we may not be having a great year....and all of that is ok.

Labels and shoulds and goods and bads are all useless wastes of time and energy.  We need to free ourselves from the bondage of the insanity of tyring to fit our lives into the definitions of what others are doing or saying or making judgements on.  We need to look inside of ourselves and find the joy and follow it.  We need to look at what makes us truly, disgustingly, dripping with happiness and walk in that direction.  We need to realize we are better moms, dads, brothers, sisters, wives and people when we are swimming in joy.  We need to realize that the rules for perfection and good, may be the thing that is holding us back from perfection and if we could only find our inner self, our soul, our voice, our compass, what society would see would be "the perfect...." anyway.

Listen to yourself, hear your heart, know thyself and it is there where you will find...perfection.  Your perfection, and to God, that is perfect.