Abuse is a Contract and I riped it up!
I started seeing a counselor. Not because I'm crazy, of course, but because I want to know how to live in a world with crazy people. What? Did you think I thought I was nuts? So I have gone to three appointments and I am not 100% sure that I am not now counseling the counselor? Yesterday she actually started telling me about her issues with her mother and how she is seeing a counselor? Isn't this called something in the psychological field? Transference or something?
Anyway, since starting counseling, I haven't really realized much except one very important thing....It doesn't feel good to go over and discuss things that happened in my past that were bad. I understand that the counselor needs to get an idea of who I am and where I've been but holy cow it just takes it all out of you to discuss "bad" stuff.
Thing is, I don't identify myself as THAT person. A person that was abused, a person that allowed people to treat me badly, a person that was afraid, a person that was angry, a person that thought so little of myself, that being with a person that controlled, hit, manipulated and withheld love, was ok. It was so uncomfortable telling someone what I WAS like. It was so embarrassing telling this woman about the first time I remember being humiliated and having to accept it. It was so shameful telling her about a two year relationship that I continued even though he hit me. Who was THAT woman? How'd she get like that?
As I spoke about myself it was as if I had to enter someone else skin to remember those times. It was if I was talking about some sad, pathetic friend of mine who allowed herself to be a mess....but it was me? How?
Because it was a part of me. Because when you are made to believe that it is ok, if even for a moment, that you are WORTHY OF ABUSE BY ANYONE, abuse becomes ok, BY ANYONE. If you are called names, if you are hit, if you are embarrassed, if you are belittled, if you are in a relationship where you are controlled, IT BECOMES A PART OF YOUR FABRIC....PERIOD. So when you step into a situation where control, physical abuse, belittling, yelling, anger, names and trauma are RE-INTRODUCED to you, it is almost comfortable. It is uncomfortable, but it seems as if it is deserved, expected or your lot in life.
None of this has come from counseling, it is something I have known for a long long long time, but I just haven't expressed it...I don't think?
So I thought to myself, maybe it isn't such a bad thing that Skylar talks back or tells me when I am being a jerk. Maybe it is ok that she says "I don't like what you are saying right now." Perhaps it is good that I HEAR her and say "you're right, I'm sorry." Cause yes, I am wrong sometimes and can actually admit it...although it makes me sooooo uncomfortable to admit, especially to my kids. But boy is it going to make them amazing adults to know how to admit fault and not think it is the end of the world....
Anyway, as I made my way through the this-is-who-I-was phase of my first few counseling appointments, it showed me where I was and who I am now. It showed me that I will NOT put up with abuse, name-calling, being belittled, being humiliated or being treated any less than good. It showed me how bad a person can feel but how far a person can come.
As an adult, to be abused, you must allow the abuse (unless you are bound to the wall of course). You have to accept that you are not worthy of feeling good. You have to accept that you are not worthy of anything more than being treated bad. You have to be ok with thinking that "this" is as good as you are allowed to feel and that THAT is ok with you.
Abuse is a contract that you wake up every morning into. It is a relationship within your "self" that reminds you that you are not worthy of better. It is a state. It is a reminder. It is a place that you must leave. It is a feeling of being less than and it is up to you to stop the relationship, rip up the contract and decide on a new definition of who you are in this world.
And this is what I have done. I have decided that I am not a person who is worthy of abuse. I have decided that I am not going to allow anyone to treat me any worse than I know I am worth being treated. I am done.
I want to feel good. I want to move forward. I want to look at where I am going, and for a moment, I needed to remind myself of where I was...and from there I realized, I ain't going back there, ever again.
Anyway, since starting counseling, I haven't really realized much except one very important thing....It doesn't feel good to go over and discuss things that happened in my past that were bad. I understand that the counselor needs to get an idea of who I am and where I've been but holy cow it just takes it all out of you to discuss "bad" stuff.
Thing is, I don't identify myself as THAT person. A person that was abused, a person that allowed people to treat me badly, a person that was afraid, a person that was angry, a person that thought so little of myself, that being with a person that controlled, hit, manipulated and withheld love, was ok. It was so uncomfortable telling someone what I WAS like. It was so embarrassing telling this woman about the first time I remember being humiliated and having to accept it. It was so shameful telling her about a two year relationship that I continued even though he hit me. Who was THAT woman? How'd she get like that?
As I spoke about myself it was as if I had to enter someone else skin to remember those times. It was if I was talking about some sad, pathetic friend of mine who allowed herself to be a mess....but it was me? How?
Because it was a part of me. Because when you are made to believe that it is ok, if even for a moment, that you are WORTHY OF ABUSE BY ANYONE, abuse becomes ok, BY ANYONE. If you are called names, if you are hit, if you are embarrassed, if you are belittled, if you are in a relationship where you are controlled, IT BECOMES A PART OF YOUR FABRIC....PERIOD. So when you step into a situation where control, physical abuse, belittling, yelling, anger, names and trauma are RE-INTRODUCED to you, it is almost comfortable. It is uncomfortable, but it seems as if it is deserved, expected or your lot in life.
None of this has come from counseling, it is something I have known for a long long long time, but I just haven't expressed it...I don't think?
So I thought to myself, maybe it isn't such a bad thing that Skylar talks back or tells me when I am being a jerk. Maybe it is ok that she says "I don't like what you are saying right now." Perhaps it is good that I HEAR her and say "you're right, I'm sorry." Cause yes, I am wrong sometimes and can actually admit it...although it makes me sooooo uncomfortable to admit, especially to my kids. But boy is it going to make them amazing adults to know how to admit fault and not think it is the end of the world....
Anyway, as I made my way through the this-is-who-I-was phase of my first few counseling appointments, it showed me where I was and who I am now. It showed me that I will NOT put up with abuse, name-calling, being belittled, being humiliated or being treated any less than good. It showed me how bad a person can feel but how far a person can come.
As an adult, to be abused, you must allow the abuse (unless you are bound to the wall of course). You have to accept that you are not worthy of feeling good. You have to accept that you are not worthy of anything more than being treated bad. You have to be ok with thinking that "this" is as good as you are allowed to feel and that THAT is ok with you.
Abuse is a contract that you wake up every morning into. It is a relationship within your "self" that reminds you that you are not worthy of better. It is a state. It is a reminder. It is a place that you must leave. It is a feeling of being less than and it is up to you to stop the relationship, rip up the contract and decide on a new definition of who you are in this world.
And this is what I have done. I have decided that I am not a person who is worthy of abuse. I have decided that I am not going to allow anyone to treat me any worse than I know I am worth being treated. I am done.
I want to feel good. I want to move forward. I want to look at where I am going, and for a moment, I needed to remind myself of where I was...and from there I realized, I ain't going back there, ever again.
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