I Think I Saw Him...
When I am making breakfast, I am thinking of coffee. When I am drinking my coffee, I am thinking about what we are going to do today. When I am getting the kids dressed, I am thinking about what time we have to leave...and so on, and so on, and so on.... I just never stop thinking.
So today, for a moment, I stopped...
I was nursing Brock. I only have a few more weeks of this God given gift that I have chosen to take part in. It was time for his second nap and I hoisted him up onto my hip and began to climb the stairs to his bedroom. As I sat on the blue chair in his room and plopped him down onto my lap he started his "come on already" noise and away we went.
Thought thoughts thoughts, "what's Emersyn doing...what's for dinner....what's Jim doing"...and then I stopped. His eyes just looked up at me, the most amazing blue eyes with the largest "love me" pupils swimming in the middle. Both eyes just looked right up at me while he ate, content.... looking.... relaxed.... not thinking of what's next, not thinking about what we are going to do today, just eating and looking at his mom.
So I decided I would return the same respect to him, that he was giving this moment. I decided that I would look at him, think of him, love him, cherish him, caress his soft skin...And then, for a moment, I saw him. I saw the chair. I saw his hair. I saw his nose and his mouth and his ears and his eyebrows. I saw his skin and I saw my arm and everything was there as it always has been but it was me and it was him and we were there. I saw his legs crossed at the ankle, I saw the fat crease in his wrist and I saw that today would just be there today, and never again.
It's weird when that happens, when you truly look and breath and see something, because it almost changes the way it looks....that happened today.
Today, instead of feeding Brock before his nap, I held my baby who was looking at me. Today, I looked into the eyes that I will look into until I take my last breath. Today I took a photograph with my mind and willed myself to remember this moment. Today I stopped long enough to stop the blur for just long enough to love the very thing that I cherish most, my child.
It isn't easy to stop what we are doing, stop thinking, stop planning all the time, it just isn't human. We are forward thinking creatures, constantly creating the next thing. The next few weeks are going to fly by, Jim will be the one to get Brock to go to sleep, Jim will be the one to quite him in the middle of the night and Jim will be the one that will look down at Brock's chubby little cheeks and mouth as he calms him back to bed.
Today is mine, today I will look and see, listen and hear, hold and feel and kiss and love. Today, in this moment, I will know that I saw my baby, that he ate from me and loved his mom. For tomorrow, he may not look up at me with those big blue eyes and see me, tomorrow he may be thinking of someone else.
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So today, for a moment, I stopped...
I was nursing Brock. I only have a few more weeks of this God given gift that I have chosen to take part in. It was time for his second nap and I hoisted him up onto my hip and began to climb the stairs to his bedroom. As I sat on the blue chair in his room and plopped him down onto my lap he started his "come on already" noise and away we went.Thought thoughts thoughts, "what's Emersyn doing...what's for dinner....what's Jim doing"...and then I stopped. His eyes just looked up at me, the most amazing blue eyes with the largest "love me" pupils swimming in the middle. Both eyes just looked right up at me while he ate, content.... looking.... relaxed.... not thinking of what's next, not thinking about what we are going to do today, just eating and looking at his mom.
So I decided I would return the same respect to him, that he was giving this moment. I decided that I would look at him, think of him, love him, cherish him, caress his soft skin...And then, for a moment, I saw him. I saw the chair. I saw his hair. I saw his nose and his mouth and his ears and his eyebrows. I saw his skin and I saw my arm and everything was there as it always has been but it was me and it was him and we were there. I saw his legs crossed at the ankle, I saw the fat crease in his wrist and I saw that today would just be there today, and never again.
It's weird when that happens, when you truly look and breath and see something, because it almost changes the way it looks....that happened today.
Today, instead of feeding Brock before his nap, I held my baby who was looking at me. Today, I looked into the eyes that I will look into until I take my last breath. Today I took a photograph with my mind and willed myself to remember this moment. Today I stopped long enough to stop the blur for just long enough to love the very thing that I cherish most, my child.
It isn't easy to stop what we are doing, stop thinking, stop planning all the time, it just isn't human. We are forward thinking creatures, constantly creating the next thing. The next few weeks are going to fly by, Jim will be the one to get Brock to go to sleep, Jim will be the one to quite him in the middle of the night and Jim will be the one that will look down at Brock's chubby little cheeks and mouth as he calms him back to bed.
Today is mine, today I will look and see, listen and hear, hold and feel and kiss and love. Today, in this moment, I will know that I saw my baby, that he ate from me and loved his mom. For tomorrow, he may not look up at me with those big blue eyes and see me, tomorrow he may be thinking of someone else.
Click COMMENTS to leave a comment!!!
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