Can We EVER Trust Our Kids?
When you are a child you want to be just like your parents (unless of course they are mean and even then you idolize them in some crazy way.
When you are a teen, you think your parents are mean and dumb but secretly want them to think everything you do is amazing.
When you are in your 20's you are trying to find your way in this world and are pretty sure your parents never really knew anything anyway and so you try-on all your friends characteristics and what you see in the media.
When you are in your 30's you begin to feel the pull, back to what you were taught by your parents and although may do it a bit different, find yourself longing for the lifestyle and traditions that you grew up on.
In your 40's you realize that you are so thankful for what you have been taught and that your parents took the time to raise you, because now, (with or without children) you realize what a sacrifice being a parent it is.
That's all I got so far.....
But the thing is we waist so much time pushing and pulling on what WE BELIEVE our parents roll is in our life. Do they approve? Don't they approve? What would they think? Do they care? Do they...? Would they....? Why?
Why do we waste so much energy defining ourselves by what our parents think about us? Is that what keeps us safe as children, NOT wanting to get into trouble? But then is that also the same "thing" that pushes us right into chaos when we rebel to find who WE are in our teens and 20's?
Skylar and I spend a lot of time together. We shop and look and eat and do a lot together and she is very much like Jim, she despises making the wrong decision on ANYTHING. So she will ask me, "mom, do you like this top?" Or, as Jim asks, "what should I order?" and my response is always the same, "whatever YOU like Skylar, you have to trust what you like." It is not that I am not flattered that she cares what I think, but I want her to find herself, what Skylar likes, that what Skylar likes is good enough, matters, is important. So what if it is the wrong choice? Only through the wrong choice in tank top colors can she determine what the right color choices are for her.
The idea is not so that she can choose her own clothes, it is more an exercise to knowing that she is whole. That she doesn't need to push AGAINST me because I am not trying to control her, because I am not. I don't need to OWN my children, I don't feel that they are an extension of who I am or that they are here to fulfil a part of who I am. They don't need to DO anything to free themselves, because they are already free.
Let's be clear, they have rules and structure and chores, but so do Jim and I. This isn't about rules, this is about having an opinion and a voice and a reliance on oneself.
The sooner a person truly can know them self; who they are without the definitions or LIMITATIONS put on them by society or their parents, the sooner they can bloom into who they will eventually become after cutting away all the passive-aggressive, shaking head, disapproving, embarrassed, BS parents can bestow upon a child.
Parents feel that when they scare and structure and judge and scowl at what they don't approve of, they are helping their children. But what they are actually are doing is pushing their child into the eventual structure of their teenage years.
We need to allow our children the freedom of choice in the safe environment of childhood. We need them to find out who they are so they aren't forced to feel the need to push against us. We need to realize that our children aren't our little dolls, they are not ours to stuff into a round whole if they are a square peg.
The best that we can do for our children is have our own self worth. WE need to know who we are OUTSIDE of our children so that when they wear a crazy outfit or get in trouble at school WE are not affected in the wrong way. We need to realize that our children are here for THEIR experience, not to be in line with OURS.
I don't want my children to flail around until they are forty trying to find their voice. I don't want them to waste time wondering if I approve or if I think what they are doing is worthy. I want them to look within themselves to hear their own voice. I want them to be in line with their dreams. I want them to judge themselves by their life experiences, their emotions and the goals that they have set for themselves, not whether or not I think being a lawyer, song writer or surfer works.
As parents we must be careful not to start believing our children are ours. We must not believe that they are our tiny representatives to the world. We must not believe that the more we tell them HOW to think, the more they will think that way. The goal is to teach them how to think for themselves. The goal is to raise them to hear their own voice and what that sounds like.
When our children are born they are seeds of what they will eventually become one day. We are excited for them and see the gleam of possibility in their eyes. It is only through fear that we begin to distrust the acceptability of who THEY want to be. It is then that we miss out on who God wanted them become....well, at least until they realize that we were wrong all that time.
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When you are a teen, you think your parents are mean and dumb but secretly want them to think everything you do is amazing.
When you are in your 20's you are trying to find your way in this world and are pretty sure your parents never really knew anything anyway and so you try-on all your friends characteristics and what you see in the media.
When you are in your 30's you begin to feel the pull, back to what you were taught by your parents and although may do it a bit different, find yourself longing for the lifestyle and traditions that you grew up on.
In your 40's you realize that you are so thankful for what you have been taught and that your parents took the time to raise you, because now, (with or without children) you realize what a sacrifice being a parent it is.
That's all I got so far.....
But the thing is we waist so much time pushing and pulling on what WE BELIEVE our parents roll is in our life. Do they approve? Don't they approve? What would they think? Do they care? Do they...? Would they....? Why?
Why do we waste so much energy defining ourselves by what our parents think about us? Is that what keeps us safe as children, NOT wanting to get into trouble? But then is that also the same "thing" that pushes us right into chaos when we rebel to find who WE are in our teens and 20's?
Skylar and I spend a lot of time together. We shop and look and eat and do a lot together and she is very much like Jim, she despises making the wrong decision on ANYTHING. So she will ask me, "mom, do you like this top?" Or, as Jim asks, "what should I order?" and my response is always the same, "whatever YOU like Skylar, you have to trust what you like." It is not that I am not flattered that she cares what I think, but I want her to find herself, what Skylar likes, that what Skylar likes is good enough, matters, is important. So what if it is the wrong choice? Only through the wrong choice in tank top colors can she determine what the right color choices are for her.The idea is not so that she can choose her own clothes, it is more an exercise to knowing that she is whole. That she doesn't need to push AGAINST me because I am not trying to control her, because I am not. I don't need to OWN my children, I don't feel that they are an extension of who I am or that they are here to fulfil a part of who I am. They don't need to DO anything to free themselves, because they are already free.
Let's be clear, they have rules and structure and chores, but so do Jim and I. This isn't about rules, this is about having an opinion and a voice and a reliance on oneself. The sooner a person truly can know them self; who they are without the definitions or LIMITATIONS put on them by society or their parents, the sooner they can bloom into who they will eventually become after cutting away all the passive-aggressive, shaking head, disapproving, embarrassed, BS parents can bestow upon a child.
Parents feel that when they scare and structure and judge and scowl at what they don't approve of, they are helping their children. But what they are actually are doing is pushing their child into the eventual structure of their teenage years.
We need to allow our children the freedom of choice in the safe environment of childhood. We need them to find out who they are so they aren't forced to feel the need to push against us. We need to realize that our children aren't our little dolls, they are not ours to stuff into a round whole if they are a square peg. The best that we can do for our children is have our own self worth. WE need to know who we are OUTSIDE of our children so that when they wear a crazy outfit or get in trouble at school WE are not affected in the wrong way. We need to realize that our children are here for THEIR experience, not to be in line with OURS.
I don't want my children to flail around until they are forty trying to find their voice. I don't want them to waste time wondering if I approve or if I think what they are doing is worthy. I want them to look within themselves to hear their own voice. I want them to be in line with their dreams. I want them to judge themselves by their life experiences, their emotions and the goals that they have set for themselves, not whether or not I think being a lawyer, song writer or surfer works.
As parents we must be careful not to start believing our children are ours. We must not believe that they are our tiny representatives to the world. We must not believe that the more we tell them HOW to think, the more they will think that way. The goal is to teach them how to think for themselves. The goal is to raise them to hear their own voice and what that sounds like. When our children are born they are seeds of what they will eventually become one day. We are excited for them and see the gleam of possibility in their eyes. It is only through fear that we begin to distrust the acceptability of who THEY want to be. It is then that we miss out on who God wanted them become....well, at least until they realize that we were wrong all that time.
Click COMMENTS to leave a comment!!!
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