The Not So Perfect, Perfect Visit

Last week Cody came to visit us in New Jersey.  It was the first time since he left in June.  We have all been to Ohio to visit him but this is the first time that he has been here.  So here is how I thought it would go...

He would get off the plane and make his way to the gate as I waited for him with open arms.  As he saw me he would break down into tears as the Philadelphia air hit his face.  I would put my hands to my mouth and scoop him up into my arms and tell him that although I know he wants to move back, he must wait until June.  After we collected ourselves from our tears we would make our way to dinner where he would tell me how happy he was but that he realized what a great mom I am and how much he missed living with us.  Then as the week would continue he would get along famously with everyone and help out with dishes, Emersyn and Brock and as we toured the East Coast he would realize all that he missed by moving to Ohio......

Yeah....not so much.....

So as I made my way TO the airport I was already panicking about him LEAVING.  I was already getting the "clawing at the dirt" feeling that I got when I saw him in the past.  So when he got off the plane and made his way to me I MADE him give me a hug and asked him where he wanted to eat dinner.  Dinner was so nice as we talked about school and sports and friends.  I was really excited that he was here for a week and I couldn't wait to spend the mornings together while Skylar was going to be at school.....

That was until he slept in every morning...didn't want to go to the gym with me...was a crazy person...was tired....was a smelly teenage boy.....

By about day two it was as if he never left us.  He was arguing with me about chores, driving Emersyn nuts, stealing Brock and hiding him in the house so I couldn't find him, fighting with Skylar and generally making our house completely and totally wacko!  Codyyyyysssss backkkkk!!!  

What was I thinking?  Did I think that he would really just float into our house and everything would be different? perfect? really?  ok, yeah, I totally thought that so shoot me...a person can dream!

But was it all NOT perfect?  Was it weird or fake or forced? NO, it was our family, just as it left off in June.  Not perfect, but ours.  Granted, I could really really do without any fighting, but they are kids, teens and it is what happens.  

But as for Cody's visit...yeah, that's where we started...it was nice.  It allowed me to learn about myself as a parent and that what is going on in our house has nothing to do with these kids, but has much to do with me.

The last night that Cody was here he wanted us to watch a movie with him.  It had been a long day and I was putting Brock to bed.  After Brock was asleep I was laying in bed and beyond comfortable but I knew Cody was downstairs...waiting.  Oh but I am so tired and this bed is so comfortable...but he is leaving and I wrote that blog about wishing that I had spent more time with him watching movies with him.  I will miss him as soon as he steps on that plane.  I will wish I would have watched that movie....

So I went downstairs and we all watched a movie together.  As I sat on the couch he scooted right next to me, put the blankets over both of us and grabbed my hand.  Perfect.  His clammy, sweaty, hand wrapped around mine.  His hands are actually bigger than mine now.  His fuzzy head on my shoulder.  Perfect.

As I drove Cody back to the airport I could feel the lump grow in my throat.  I could feel my claws coming out trying to hold on to the last seconds, moments....just a little longer.  He ate some dinner, we walked around the airport waiting for his flight and we chatted.  How nice, how perfect.  How much longer can I keep him my "little" boy, here, little, mine...even though he is not here....there, but mine.

As the woman with the microphone announced they were boarding rows 12-20 I prayed he was in row 1.  Cody started collecting his bags.  Lump...  "Rows 7-11..." shaking.... Cody and I walk to get in line.  "Now boarding all rows..."  We slowly walked closer and closer to the gate entrance and I could feel myself begin to panic.  Would I cry?  Could I keep it together?  Should I show him I am sad?  Should I be strong?  Will he be upset?  Will he hug me?  What if he doesn't care that he is leaving?

We are there...it is time.  I tell him to give me and hug and I realize that I am actually holding on to him.   It is more of a hold than a hug.  I let go and he takes a step towards the woman taking tickets.  I can see his back right now and it is so hard to watch him walk away...I will see him in a few weeks...that is all that is getting me through this.  He takes a few more teenager steps down the walk and turns and waves.  The people in line with him are smiling at me and I know they get that I am saying goodbye to my boy.  I am smiling and telling him to "be good" and "I love you..."  What else can I say?  "come back!" or "don't go!"  no, I can't say that, I need to let him follow his dreams.  I need to let him go.

I watch him enter the tunnel and he turns and looks one last time.  Oh God this sucks...I am actually sick to my stomach, how can anything feel this bad?  I quickly walk over to the airport windows to try and catch a peek of him walking up the stairs onto the plane...and there he goes...

Perfect....

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