Moving away just one more inch

I am prematurely going through the motions of "letting my son go."

The other day I was talking to Cody's step-mom and she was telling me a story about how Cody wasn't able to make salsa for extra credit for Spanish class and how she hurried-up and made it and dropped it off at school for him.  (Literally the nicest person I know!)  Anyway, she told me that when she came home from work, Cody had made a sign and put it on the garage door and it read something like:

ALLISON, THANK YOU SO MUCH 

FOR MAKING THE SALSA!  

YOU ARE THE BEST! 

I LOVE YOU!

LOVE, CODY

As I stumbled through my words while getting off of the phone with her, Panera restaurant started to swirl around me.  I became dizzy and disoriented and couldn't find my legs (something I have come accustomed to when dealing with stress in my life..."

I was so happy.  Cody is really maturing.  Cody is...is is...loving another woman?  Cody is showing a woman love and respect and kindness?  He never did that for me!  He never showed me that he even cared that I was alive.  He only let me know how many different ways I disappointed him and made his life miserable.

What in the world is happening?  I "let" him move to Ohio but I never expect him to love someone else?  I never expected THIS to happen?  I never expected him to outwardly show someone else he loved them before he showed me that he loved me!  How could this be happening?

I made my way over to a booth and called Jim on the phone and told him the story.  I told him that I knew that Allison was merely telling me how much Cody has matured and would NEVER, EVER mean to hurt my feelings...But now I am stuck in this damn booth and can't get up.  I am paralyzed by loss...paralyzed by being left behind....paralyzed by not feeling loved and appreciated all while watching my son love and appreciate someone else...

how freaking selfish of me....

But...it hurts, no...not hurts.  It feels like him slipping through my fingers like sand.  If feels like I am trying to hug him and he keeps sliding down and I can't quite get a hold of him.  Like I keep reaching and he keeps moving just one more inch away...one more inch...slippery...sand...that I can't quite hold on to....

I am pretty sure Cody is going to stay in Ohio till college, which means I will never live with Cody in the same house as me ever again.  He is gone.  

A million times when he lived here I always thought about going into his room at night an laying in bed with him and just talking, I didn't ever do it.  A million times I thought about going into the kids TV room and watching a movie with him, and I didn't.  A million times I thought about taking just him to the movies, and I didn't.

Now I am beginning to understand (a little bit) how a mother feels when their child gets married and moves away.  All that time that you spend taking care of that child, feeding that child, keeping them safe, healthy, happy, and then they leave you.  They leave you and fall in love with someone else.  They leave you and tell someone else how wonderful they are.  They tell someone else "good morning."  They tell someone else, "I love you."  

After all I have done?  How could that be?

I have given my life to raising my children.  I have chosen to be a stay-at-home mom.  I have chosen to raise them before anything else in my life and each and every one of them will pack up their stuff and leave one day.  Each one of them will go to bed every night and tell someone else "good night."  Each one of them will take every thing I ever taught them and apply all of that goodness to someone else, some other relationship, some other person.  

But this is the pact I made with them when I chose to have them, chose to raise them up, chose to love them move than my own life.  This is the deal I have made:  

I WILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY BEING, TEACH YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW, GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE, WATCH YOU GROW, KISS YOUR HURTS AND HUG YOU EVER DAY....

UNTIL YOU ARE SOMEONE ELSE'S, UNTIL YOU LEAVE ME TO USE EVERYTHING I EVER TAUGHT YOU TO....

LOVE SOMEONE ELSE WITH ALL OF YOU BEING, TEACH THEM EVERYTHING YOU KNOW, GIVE THEM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, KISS ALL OF THEIR HURTS AND HUG THEM EVERY DAY....

And for that I am thankful.  Because if a child I have raised can do that, then I have done my job as their mom.  That is what it is to be a mom, to be their first love, but not their last....

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