I hope IT doesn't make an appearance this weekend!
Ya ever have one of those days where you are literally chasing yourself and your life ALL day? Yesterday was THAT day. But the most amazing part of it was that I didn't freak out, get upset or cry. I just sort of kept my head above water and paddled.
Perhaps I am the kind of person that gets stronger and more determined when things are going all wacky. Perhaps I just pull myself up by the proverbial boot-straps and keep on going? I know I freak out at the little stuff. I know I can literally SHUT DOWN completely because I can't fix a computer problem or a cell phone issue. Oh, and when I say shut down I mean that I have a visceral, physical, emotional response to the problem and become unable to function.
HUH? Why is that? I mean I went through the "Cody thing" and was on auto pilot for about two years. Is that it? Do I just put myself on auto pilot? Do I turn off all the emotions and just move forward like a Droid? Working to accomplish tasks as a mother versus being inside of each experience as mom?
Yesterday I had to pickup Skylar from school because she had such a bad headache she threw-up. When I picked her up she was completely white and gray. She came around the corner of the nurse's office and I was aghast at how she looked. Auto pilot took over...."when we get home take your remedy. Did you take it this morning? Then get to bed. No food, nothing...just get to bed." Then I spent the rest of the day cleaning and laundry and dishes and organizing and and and.... auto pilot.
Do we put ourselves on auto pilot so that we can function? Do we go to that place so that we don't get so engulfed in the chaos, illness, tears and emotion that we become unable to help? Sometimes I like a tough time, it reminds me I'm good at being strong. Sometimes I am confused by thinking that car seats and sleeping arrangements are difficult. Sometimes I think that making dinner is a challenge.
Sometimes auto pilot kicks on to accomplish and keep things perfect. Diapers...check. Bed made...check. Breakfast...check. Hair brushed...check.
It is illness and loss that are challenges, not spaghetti, meatballs and ponytails.
The problem lies when you have a "thing" that makes you go on auto pilot and you don't want to be in that mode, like a birthday party. We have Skylar and Emersyn's birthday parties this weekend. I would usually go into auto pilot to do, accomplish, keep on schedule, make it great, take photos, eat, cake, candles...auto pilot. Thinking about it as I write this...I can feel my body tense up and my breathing change. So weird?!? Instead I will allow..breathe...enjoy...drop my shoulders...relax...hopefully....
Ok, that's the goal. I know when I go there. I get serious, stop having fun, stop smiling, go to the DO place in my head versus the enjoy place.
I guess knowing that my auto pilot happens during the good and the bad allows me to know to check back in. Allows me to stop DOING and start BEING, FEELING, ENJOYING. Auto pilot has it's place but at this weekend's birthday parties, I hope it doesn't make an appearance!
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Perhaps I am the kind of person that gets stronger and more determined when things are going all wacky. Perhaps I just pull myself up by the proverbial boot-straps and keep on going? I know I freak out at the little stuff. I know I can literally SHUT DOWN completely because I can't fix a computer problem or a cell phone issue. Oh, and when I say shut down I mean that I have a visceral, physical, emotional response to the problem and become unable to function.
HUH? Why is that? I mean I went through the "Cody thing" and was on auto pilot for about two years. Is that it? Do I just put myself on auto pilot? Do I turn off all the emotions and just move forward like a Droid? Working to accomplish tasks as a mother versus being inside of each experience as mom?
Yesterday I had to pickup Skylar from school because she had such a bad headache she threw-up. When I picked her up she was completely white and gray. She came around the corner of the nurse's office and I was aghast at how she looked. Auto pilot took over...."when we get home take your remedy. Did you take it this morning? Then get to bed. No food, nothing...just get to bed." Then I spent the rest of the day cleaning and laundry and dishes and organizing and and and.... auto pilot.
Do we put ourselves on auto pilot so that we can function? Do we go to that place so that we don't get so engulfed in the chaos, illness, tears and emotion that we become unable to help? Sometimes I like a tough time, it reminds me I'm good at being strong. Sometimes I am confused by thinking that car seats and sleeping arrangements are difficult. Sometimes I think that making dinner is a challenge.
Sometimes auto pilot kicks on to accomplish and keep things perfect. Diapers...check. Bed made...check. Breakfast...check. Hair brushed...check.
It is illness and loss that are challenges, not spaghetti, meatballs and ponytails.
The problem lies when you have a "thing" that makes you go on auto pilot and you don't want to be in that mode, like a birthday party. We have Skylar and Emersyn's birthday parties this weekend. I would usually go into auto pilot to do, accomplish, keep on schedule, make it great, take photos, eat, cake, candles...auto pilot. Thinking about it as I write this...I can feel my body tense up and my breathing change. So weird?!? Instead I will allow..breathe...enjoy...drop my shoulders...relax...hopefully....
Ok, that's the goal. I know when I go there. I get serious, stop having fun, stop smiling, go to the DO place in my head versus the enjoy place.
I guess knowing that my auto pilot happens during the good and the bad allows me to know to check back in. Allows me to stop DOING and start BEING, FEELING, ENJOYING. Auto pilot has it's place but at this weekend's birthday parties, I hope it doesn't make an appearance!
Click COMMENTS to leave a comment!!!
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