He is not gonna die
Whenever you have a child with a birth defect, the possibility of having another one with a problem is forever real and in your face. Every cough, spit-up, bout of constipation, becomes something larger and takes on a life of its own, in your mind. When Brock was born he was all choking and spitting up and gurgling, so he of course had a fistula (in my mind).
Then he had the bad jaundice so I of course figured he had liver problems, it couldn't just be infant jaundice. Then we started with the reflux, so of course he has esophageal atresia (a not working esophagus). Then he would spit-up my breast milk, so of course I was poisoning him somehow.
So after we laid him down on the hospital bed at Children's Hospital, I waited to hear those words, "he's all put together wrong in there..." But that didn't happen. The ultrasound tech said, "all looks good!" But BUT BUT??!! There must be something askew in there? No kink in his intestines? No missing something-or-other? Are you sure?
And so we took our perfectly healthy-everything-in-the-right-place baby home...and now he isn't spitting up? HUH? What is happening? Just yesterday he was a fountain? Just yesterday I had to change his clothes 3 times a day? Just yesterday he was broken and needing fixed. Just yesterday I envisioned his insides as looking like a plate of linguini. How is he now not barfing every time I feed him?
Was it me? Was it my nerves? Was I as tense as a...as a...as a new mother when I fed him? But this is my fourth? How could I be so wacko?
His eyes look at me like Cody's did when Cody was in the N.I.C.U. His dark pupils looking out of the corner of his eyes. His dark hair. A Boy. The "here we go again..." entering my reality, perhaps after being rushed to the hospital to deliver him? Perhaps after finding out the cord was wrapped around his neck? Perhaps all of it...
But somehow he has been really great since I found out he is fine. Somehow just knowing that my little humpty dumpty is all ok inside, has changed everything. I'm now not afraid if he spits up. I don't think he is aspirating through a fistula. I know if he is coughing or choking or spitting-up, it is just normal baby stuff...and he's not going to die.
I know I have issues. I know I have some sort of post-traumatic stress because of Cody's situation. I understand it and I understand it affects me. Now I can move forward and take care of Brock and stop being afraid. He's fine, I'm fine and a little spit-up isn't gonna hurt him...or me...
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Then he had the bad jaundice so I of course figured he had liver problems, it couldn't just be infant jaundice. Then we started with the reflux, so of course he has esophageal atresia (a not working esophagus). Then he would spit-up my breast milk, so of course I was poisoning him somehow.
So after we laid him down on the hospital bed at Children's Hospital, I waited to hear those words, "he's all put together wrong in there..." But that didn't happen. The ultrasound tech said, "all looks good!" But BUT BUT??!! There must be something askew in there? No kink in his intestines? No missing something-or-other? Are you sure?
And so we took our perfectly healthy-everything-in-the-right-place baby home...and now he isn't spitting up? HUH? What is happening? Just yesterday he was a fountain? Just yesterday I had to change his clothes 3 times a day? Just yesterday he was broken and needing fixed. Just yesterday I envisioned his insides as looking like a plate of linguini. How is he now not barfing every time I feed him?
Was it me? Was it my nerves? Was I as tense as a...as a...as a new mother when I fed him? But this is my fourth? How could I be so wacko?
His eyes look at me like Cody's did when Cody was in the N.I.C.U. His dark pupils looking out of the corner of his eyes. His dark hair. A Boy. The "here we go again..." entering my reality, perhaps after being rushed to the hospital to deliver him? Perhaps after finding out the cord was wrapped around his neck? Perhaps all of it...
But somehow he has been really great since I found out he is fine. Somehow just knowing that my little humpty dumpty is all ok inside, has changed everything. I'm now not afraid if he spits up. I don't think he is aspirating through a fistula. I know if he is coughing or choking or spitting-up, it is just normal baby stuff...and he's not going to die.
I know I have issues. I know I have some sort of post-traumatic stress because of Cody's situation. I understand it and I understand it affects me. Now I can move forward and take care of Brock and stop being afraid. He's fine, I'm fine and a little spit-up isn't gonna hurt him...or me...
Click COMMENTS to leave a comment!!! Like what you read today? Post it to your Facebook page so everyone can read it! Click below to share!
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