Four kids or three?
Today at 10:30 a.m. I went to the high school Cody would have attended, to withdrawal him from the school system. As I sat there filling out the paperwork, I wondered what the guidance counselor was thinking about the situation. I know what is going on, but I wonder what she, and so many others, are thinking.
Are they wondering if I am "sending him to live with his dad?" or perhaps that Cody hates me so much he has chosen to leave? I wonder what everyone is thinking about me, as a mother, of a boy who doesn't want to live with her anymore? What would I think? What have I thought about other women who's children have not lived with them? What will I think in the future about them?
Now when people around me ask how many children I have, do I get to answer "four?' Do you get to take credit for children that you are not raising? Do I get to put four "children stickers" on the back of my van, even though I am only raising three? Do I get to say that I have a son, even though he doesn't live with me? Do I then have to qualify my answer with "but he doesn't live with me?"
I am beginning to deal with the reality of being a family without Cody, but I am not so sure I am dealing with being a mom without my son. I am not sure that I have fully grasp what it means to not fill out the physicals or emergency contact forms for school next month. I am not so sure that I am prepared to not see him on his fifteenth birthday. I am not so sure that I am ready to not see him on his first day of high school....
Is he still my son if I don't see these things? Is he still my son if I miss everything?
So today as I filled out Cody's new address on the withdrawal forms, I took one step closer to missing out on this year of his life. I took one step closer to letting my first born fly in a direction that I will not be there to witness.
If your child eats lunch, takes his driver's test, and goes to his first Homecoming dance without me there to see it....does it still exist....do I still get to say he is mine....?
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Are they wondering if I am "sending him to live with his dad?" or perhaps that Cody hates me so much he has chosen to leave? I wonder what everyone is thinking about me, as a mother, of a boy who doesn't want to live with her anymore? What would I think? What have I thought about other women who's children have not lived with them? What will I think in the future about them?
Now when people around me ask how many children I have, do I get to answer "four?' Do you get to take credit for children that you are not raising? Do I get to put four "children stickers" on the back of my van, even though I am only raising three? Do I get to say that I have a son, even though he doesn't live with me? Do I then have to qualify my answer with "but he doesn't live with me?"
I am beginning to deal with the reality of being a family without Cody, but I am not so sure I am dealing with being a mom without my son. I am not sure that I have fully grasp what it means to not fill out the physicals or emergency contact forms for school next month. I am not so sure that I am prepared to not see him on his fifteenth birthday. I am not so sure that I am ready to not see him on his first day of high school....
Is he still my son if I don't see these things? Is he still my son if I miss everything?
So today as I filled out Cody's new address on the withdrawal forms, I took one step closer to missing out on this year of his life. I took one step closer to letting my first born fly in a direction that I will not be there to witness.
If your child eats lunch, takes his driver's test, and goes to his first Homecoming dance without me there to see it....does it still exist....do I still get to say he is mine....?
Click COMMENTS to leave a comment!!! Post it to your Facebook page so everyone can read it! Click below to share!
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