He's not Coming Back

Ok, so we made it through a three hour dance recital with a 2yr old and a 2 week old.  We made it through an hour and a half 8th grade graduation with the same crew.  We made it through packing up everything Cody owns...

And I am completely in denial that he is gone for a year.  I am 100% taking my friend's advice and pretending that both Cody and Skylar have merely left for the summer.  I am not so much telling myself that he will be back in August, I just haven't ALLOWED myself to FEEL what I know to be true.  He won't be coming back.

(Pressure behind my eyes...whew)

So I have cleaned his room, he took all his bedding, and I am doing laundry and sweeping and cleaning like a mad woman.  Jim took the morning off and has since taken the entire day off.  I think we are both in a denial holding pattern.  It feels like if I start crying about him (oh gosh, pressure again, slight tear) leaving, I will never stop.  I think that if I let that ONE tear go, the flood gates will open and I will just sit here and sob (this is not helping AT ALL!)

So I will launder everything this family owns, sweep the wood off the floors and scrub....Oh, and feed Brock.  Which the doctor has suggested I feed him only every three hours for only 20-25 minutes because el porko has gained 22 pounds in 11 days and that is twice what a "normal" baby gains...of course it is.

So Jim is upstairs with Brock and Emersyn and I am here with my computer and lack of thoughts, lack of feeling and lack of allowing.  I am thinking I will cry tonight.  I am thinking that I am going to crack that 2001 bottle of wine and let the tears flow with Jim.  I am thinking that tonight I will let myself feel the emptiness of his room and the hollowness of his dresser drawers...kill me now....

(LUMP...)

It hurts so damn bad I want to scream.  I hear Jim moving around upstairs and I don't want him to know I am sad.  I don't want anyone to know I am freaking dying. I am in so much pain. SHIT, oh, did I mention that Cody wrote an essay and got picked out of his whole school to read at his 8th grade graduation? oh yes, I got to see my honor roll student read at graduation in a shirt and tie and gown last night.

Did I mention that last night may have been the last night he slept in my freaking house while "living here?"  Lasts suck...

Last dinners, last breakfasts, last drives, last trips to ice cream, last opportunity to yell at him.  Lasts hurt and you count them and mark them and pay attention to them and feel them.  You mark every one of them and remind yourself..."this is the last time..." and you try and make it count for something.

I just want to yell and swear and get mad and ask him "have I been that bad to you that you had to leave?"  "have we been that bad that you CHOSE to leave?"

Thanks a lot, I am crying...Ok, well, I am going to stop crying till tonight, I need a reason to crack the 2001 bottle, I can cry again tonight.

Click COMMENTS to leave a comment!!! Like what you read today? Post it to your Facebook page so everyone can read it! Click below to share!