My Soul Mate in White
As I sat at my play date yesterday with my friends and their children, I could feel the words "Cody is moving to his dad's house," bubbling up inside of my throat. I could feel the words sliding off of my tongue, but knew if I opened my mouth to say them, the tears would follow.
Perhaps they forgot Cody had to make his decision on Sunday, perhaps they will forget to ask?
And as we sat there and chatted about play places and allergies, the question came, "so what did Cody decide?" And as the answer swirled around my head, I could feel the room get smaller and my mouth begin to lose its shape. I felt the tears begin to well up as the answer began to escape my lips. "He decided to move to his dads...." and I turned away and continued, "but I can't talk about it right now." And my wonderful friend understood, and politely dropped the topic.
And that is when it hit me. HE DECIDED. Was that it? He DECIDED to move. Cody and I were walking on Monday night and I was attempting to explain to him that this is going to be hard on our family and me and that I would appreciate that he attempt to understand what we are all going through. He then proceeded to argue how when we moved here his dad was sad, his dad misses him and his dad has a difficult time with us living far away. I agreed, and he is absolutely correct. I can't imagine what his dad went through when we moved here four years ago.
But Cody didn't DECIDE to leave his dad, I moved him here, period.
Is that it? Is it that HE DECIDED? Or is it that he's going to be out of my reach? Is it that he is going to be WAYYYY over there...and there is nothing I can do about it?
Is it that he is CHOOSING his dad OVER me? I don't even know at this point. I don't even know anything at this point. I don't think that is it. I think it's that I won't be able to just walk in the next room and say, "Cody, time to eat...."
I want to wish that his experience in Ohio will not be as good as here with me, but I won't. I want to wish that he will realize how wonderful I was, and come running back, begging to live with me again, but I can't. I want to tell him all the reasons he should stay, but I'm not going to. This is his life to live and I have to let him make all HIS decisions so that he can grow and learn.
I will not force him to stay, nor will I paint any type of picture of what I THINK it will be like, it isn't my place. Perhaps it will be wonderful, I don't know.
All I know is that when he is in Ohio for a week, I cry. When he is in Ohio for a weekend, I worry, and when he is in Ohio for the summer, I am at a loss. Perhaps I am the one that needs to grow from this. Perhaps I am the one that needs to learn that I am not the only one for my son.
One thing is for sure, letting go of your children and watching them walk into another world, it the scariest thing in the world. I'm not ready yet, it's not time...
My friend emailed me after reading my blog yesterday and she refereed to Cody as my first love, and she is right. When I was pregnant with Cody I had dreams about a little boy around the age of two with white clothes on and dark hair. I could see him in my dream, walking around about twenty feet away from me. When he was in the hospital those first thirty days I knew that he was my soul mate. I knew that Cody was made just for me, and nobody else. I knew that Cody was the one person on Earth, that was my white light. He always has been and he always will be. He is my weakness, my soft spot and my angel on Earth.
Cody and I have been through a lot together. He is the person that God made for me to care for. God placed him in my life fifteen years ago and I can remember skipping home the day I found out I was pregnant with him. I can remember how excited I was when my water broke. I can remember being in the intensive care unit, and starring at him, day after day in his isolette, knowing he would survive.
Perhaps when I saw him in my dreams, before he was born, he wasn't twenty feet away. Perhaps he was actually a few states away. Now, I just need to learn how to stay connected to him from this new distance, even, if only in my dreams.
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Perhaps they forgot Cody had to make his decision on Sunday, perhaps they will forget to ask?
And as we sat there and chatted about play places and allergies, the question came, "so what did Cody decide?" And as the answer swirled around my head, I could feel the room get smaller and my mouth begin to lose its shape. I felt the tears begin to well up as the answer began to escape my lips. "He decided to move to his dads...." and I turned away and continued, "but I can't talk about it right now." And my wonderful friend understood, and politely dropped the topic.
And that is when it hit me. HE DECIDED. Was that it? He DECIDED to move. Cody and I were walking on Monday night and I was attempting to explain to him that this is going to be hard on our family and me and that I would appreciate that he attempt to understand what we are all going through. He then proceeded to argue how when we moved here his dad was sad, his dad misses him and his dad has a difficult time with us living far away. I agreed, and he is absolutely correct. I can't imagine what his dad went through when we moved here four years ago.
But Cody didn't DECIDE to leave his dad, I moved him here, period.
Is that it? Is it that HE DECIDED? Or is it that he's going to be out of my reach? Is it that he is going to be WAYYYY over there...and there is nothing I can do about it?
Is it that he is CHOOSING his dad OVER me? I don't even know at this point. I don't even know anything at this point. I don't think that is it. I think it's that I won't be able to just walk in the next room and say, "Cody, time to eat...."
I want to wish that his experience in Ohio will not be as good as here with me, but I won't. I want to wish that he will realize how wonderful I was, and come running back, begging to live with me again, but I can't. I want to tell him all the reasons he should stay, but I'm not going to. This is his life to live and I have to let him make all HIS decisions so that he can grow and learn.
I will not force him to stay, nor will I paint any type of picture of what I THINK it will be like, it isn't my place. Perhaps it will be wonderful, I don't know.
All I know is that when he is in Ohio for a week, I cry. When he is in Ohio for a weekend, I worry, and when he is in Ohio for the summer, I am at a loss. Perhaps I am the one that needs to grow from this. Perhaps I am the one that needs to learn that I am not the only one for my son.
One thing is for sure, letting go of your children and watching them walk into another world, it the scariest thing in the world. I'm not ready yet, it's not time...
My friend emailed me after reading my blog yesterday and she refereed to Cody as my first love, and she is right. When I was pregnant with Cody I had dreams about a little boy around the age of two with white clothes on and dark hair. I could see him in my dream, walking around about twenty feet away from me. When he was in the hospital those first thirty days I knew that he was my soul mate. I knew that Cody was made just for me, and nobody else. I knew that Cody was the one person on Earth, that was my white light. He always has been and he always will be. He is my weakness, my soft spot and my angel on Earth.
Cody and I have been through a lot together. He is the person that God made for me to care for. God placed him in my life fifteen years ago and I can remember skipping home the day I found out I was pregnant with him. I can remember how excited I was when my water broke. I can remember being in the intensive care unit, and starring at him, day after day in his isolette, knowing he would survive.
Perhaps when I saw him in my dreams, before he was born, he wasn't twenty feet away. Perhaps he was actually a few states away. Now, I just need to learn how to stay connected to him from this new distance, even, if only in my dreams.
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