Decision 2011 has been made...

Decision 2011 has been made.  The plan has been put into motion, and Cody has told us where he plans to live starting June.....

And he has chosen to live with his dad....in Ohio...eight hours away....*breathe*

I honestly wasn't sure what he would decide.  I couldn't quite put my finger on which way he was leaning, but on Sunday at 11:00 a.m. he called his dad to let him know that he would be moving to Ohio.

As I sat in the front seat of the car listening to the conversation, as this is how I found out his choice, the words floated over me like a distant mirage that I didn't believe to be true.  Jim was in the house and as I texted Jim what I was hearing, it didn't dawn on me at the time that the words I was typing, will become my, not so distant, reality.



After Cody hung up the phone, I told him I was very proud of him for making such a difficult decision.  I told him that he made his decision very adult-like, out in the open and that I respected his choice.  I let him know I loved him and that our relationship would not change because of this.

The day moved on as a usual Sunday does, and as I purchased him three new pair of shorts, I felt conflicted as to who's child he was?  I wondered how I would feel seeing him in clothes that I don't purchase in the future?  I wondered if he would go places with his step mom and dad in the same way we shop, eat, travel, clean, talk, and everything else that we do together.

As the night rolled in and I made my way to bed, the reality of what was happening started to make its way into my conscience.  I could no longer push it all out with ice cream, shopping, making dinner and a walk.  My bedroom was peaceful and quiet, and the visions of long-distance phone calls and eight hour drives, slowly started to rear their ugly heads.

I have been a stay-at-home mom to my son for fourteen and a half years.  He has lived with me all of his life and I have dedicated my life to him and his well being.  And now he is slipping out of my arms like pudding.  He won't be in the next room, sleeping, snoring, sweaty and grumpy.  He won't be waltzing through the door after school, and he won't be sitting at dinner with me and the family every night.

I completely understand that he wants to live with his dad and be by ALL of our family in Ohio.  I understand it.  I get it.  I will support him.  BUT, there is no way that I can lie and say that it is not going to be the most difficult thing I will ever have to deal with.  There is no way I can lie and say that my son leaving isn't going to be the most difficult day of my life, and there is no way that I am going to lie and smile and say "I can't wait!"

As I laid in bed on Sunday night, I wondered if I was being punished for moving to my dad's when I was a kid?  I wondered if I was being "shown" what my mom and step dad went through.  I wondered if I was being put through this so that I knew what a horrible thing I did, and now I must pay.  I get it, I was a shit, but I always tell myself that what I went through when Cody was born was payment enough for all the wrongs in my life....I guess I was wrong.

This is going to be a long process for me to get through.  This is going to be very difficult and just one more thing to grow from.  Perhaps we will all learn a lot from this, perhaps not.  I just know that no matter how hard I try and envision what "moving day" will look and feel like, I won't quite be able to fully grasp it, until I am standing there.

I will survive this, but I haven't quite figured out how....

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