To Find My Voice: In The Back of an Ambulance

I was going out with my friend and meeting The Jerk at the bar.  I had spent a good deal of time getting ready for the evening and was very happy with how my hair turned out.  As we bellied up to the bar we noticed a guy one of our friends was dating.  The Jerk had issue with this guy, as he did with everyone and everything, and I knew it wasn't good that he was there.  Joe, the other guy said a polite hello to all of us and The Jerk made a few smart comments back.

As they exchanged a few smart comments back and forth between each other, I decided it was best to ask Joe to stop the exchange.  I knew The Jerk would never listen to my requests, so I thought if I could just get Joe to stop, the evening might not be completely ruined.

I made my way off my bar stool and walked over to where Joe was sitting.  I said hello and politely asked if he could do his very best to ignore The Jerk.  He and I got along just fine and he graciously said "no problem."  I quickly made my way back to my bar stool where I was greeted with an icy reception.  The Jerk sat back in his stool and shook his head at me, he made a face and I knew he was less than happy with my decision to speak to Joe.

I turned my attention back to my beer and started talking to my girlfriend when all of a sudden I felt my head get wet and cold.  I had no idea what was happening.  All I knew was that wet was all over my head.  Was the ceiling leaking? What the heck is going on? I turned my stool to the right and put my hands and arms over my head to protect my hair and head from the water.



I peered over my left shoulder and caught a quick glimpse of The Jerk with his arm over my head chasing my head with his emptying bottle of beer.  I took a few steps to try and get away from him and the embarrassing, humiliating, night-ruining situation, and started to walk the five feet towards the bathroom. I made it about four steps and..... BLACK.....

I remember hearing voices.  I could hear my girlfriend saying my name. I could hear the bartender say "is she breathing."  I could feel myself going in and out of blackness, in and out of reality, and I can remember wanting to not wake up.  I just wanted it to all just go away.  The floor was comfortable and
I just wanted to keep my eyes closed.  I just wanted to stay right where I was....I wanted to disappear into the darkness and make it all stop.  I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want to hear the voices and I didn't know what just happened.

They started to help my head off the beer-soaked floor and I could feel arms helping me up.  There were faces all around me asking me if I was ok, telling me they called the police and then I started to cry.  My head started to hurt, and I couldn't tell if I was bleeding or if it was just my beer-soaked hair.  I reached my hand to the back of my head where I found a huge lump covered by wet hair.

The crowd helped me to a booth where they began to explain that The Jerk had poured a bottle of beer over my head.  They said as I was making my way to the bathroom to escape the dousing, he threw the beer bottle at my head from about a foot away from me.  They said he pulled his arm back and threw it as hard as he could.  They said they first saw me walking away from him pouring the beer on my head and couldn't believe that he was doing that...and then they saw the bottle hit me and me go down.  They said I hit the ground like a ton of bricks and was out cold.

They explained to me that the police and an ambulance were on their way and that The Jerk ran out of the bar as soon as it happened.  They said the bar cleared out after him and everyone chased The Jerk into a field across from the bar where a few of the guys took advantage of the opportunity to show him how it feels to get hurt....

I just sat there, amazed.  How could this have happened to me?  I was a smart girl.  I had children.  I was raised better than to be some street girl sitting in a bar getting a beer bottle over the head.  My dad is a prominent attorney.  Holy shit, the police are coming, I can't be involved in this.  I need to leave.


The paramedics made their way into the bar and assessed my damage.  My head hurt, my body hurt from the fall, I was an emotional wreck and I just wanted to go home and make the whole situation, my whole life, everything, just disappear.  But I couldn't, I was in this nightmare and it wasn't going away.  They helped me walk to the ambulance where three paramedics started to take my vitals.

I saw The Jerk out the back of the ambulance where he was sitting in the back of a police car.  I looked up at one of the paramedics and realized I went to high school with him.  I completely freaked out.  This isn't me, I'm not here, I need to escape, I need to get out of this body, this situation, this life that is not me.  I need to leave this ambulance and this place that doesn't belong to me, that I am not willing to claim, that I am not willing to accept as where I have ended up.  


I manically explained to the paramedics that I had to go.  I told them that I was fine and fought to escape the ambulance.  I tore their hands off of me, I tore my eyes away from the stunned looks on their faces.  I got up, I apologized, and I walked away with my legs shaking the entire time.  I could feel my knees giving out, I could feel my shoulders shaking from the trauma, I could feel them wondering what the heck I was doing, but I had to get away.

You see, things like this don't happen to ME.  I didn't get detentions, I don't get speeding tickets.  I don't do drugs, I don't sit in the back of police cars and I sure the heck don't get hit in the head with beer bottles.  If I'm not there, this didn't happen.  I am not a part of this, I am NOT THIS, THIS is not ME.

So I ran.  I ran to my car where I was screaming to my girlfriend to "get me the hell outta here!"  I jumped in my SUV and she asked "what the hell are you doing?  did you make a statement to the police?  did the paramedics check you out? what is going on?!"  I just screamed "just drive...GO GO GO!"

So we left.  I didn't make a statement, I didn't say anything and they let The Jerk go. I didn't take responsibility.  I didn't point a finger.  I just ran.

The police got a statement from the other people in the bar and got my name.  The police officers knew my dad and told him what happened.  They told him what happened to me.  They told him who did it.

Nothing came of any of it.  I was humiliated, I was abused, I was knocked completely unconscious in front of a room full of people and I did absolutely nothing about it.  I was silent.  I was embarrassed.  I was a victim and did nothing about it.

I was more worried about who would find out.  I was more worried about how people would see me.  I was more worried about being seen as someone I didn't feel I was.  Like right now.  Are YOU seeing me as someone other than how you saw me when you started reading this?  Do you see me as a stupid woman?  Do you see me as trash?  Do you see me as less intelligent?  This is why women don't tell.  This is why women can't find their voice.  This is why women ignore the abuse and move forward pretending none of it happened.

I didn't do anything that night.  I didn't hurt anyone.  But what I did do was place what other's would think before what was important...ME and my voice,.  But today, I have found it.   Being abused in the past is not who I AM, it is what I went through.  I am NOT a victim, I am a mother and a wife and a beautiful person who allowed herself to forget her worth for a moment....but never again.

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