Sadistic parenting or Forcing the Love

I recently came across a Parenting Magazine clip where mom's were explaining discipline techniques that they use.  One of the moms said that they make their kids hug five times if they argue and hold hands on the couch if they fight....yadda yadda.  I have also heard of other moms, that I know, that practice this very same sort of "punishment."

I think this is completely and totally psychotic and sadistic.

If someone told me that I was not allowed to argue with my kids, friends, spouse or sibling, and if I did I had to HUG them or sit holding hands with them I would go out of my ever-loving skin.  How gross!  How totally ....sadistic!!!  Why in the world would anyone make ANYONE hug someone that they are arguing with?  Just because children are small, doesn't mean that they aren't allowed the right to be upset, angry or have a disagreement...or FIGHT!

I'm allowed to fight, I'm allowed to get angry, so why in the world would I expect my children to not be allowed?  Why would I make them hug or hold hands with the very person they are upset with.  The whole idea gives me the icks!  Can you imagine if I made you hug the person you were just fighting with 5x?  What the heck is the point?



I can see after a while calling both kids into the kitchen and talking it out.  Then when both kids have augured their side, hashed it out, etc., to then ASK, YES ASK, "are you ready to make-up and move forward from this?"  And then ASK, YES ASK,  if they are ready to hug yet....but on THEIR terms.  Respecting their right to be mad, respecting their right to be upset, and respecting them as people...WHICH THEY ARE!!!

I put Emersyn in time-out.  She understands it, she doesn't like it and she knows when I tell her "if you don't listen to what I am telling you, you are going to go in time-out" she doesn't want to go.  That is the point.  If she does have to go into time-out, she sits there for 2 minutes and then I come over to her, remind her as to why she was put into time-out and then give her a hug and tell her I love her.  I want her to understand that time-out isn't personal.  It doesn't mean I don't love her and that just because she is in trouble, discipline has nothing to do with our love.

But to FORCE your kids to hug or hold hands...ewwww.  Isn't sibling rivalry suppose to exist to at least some extent?  Aren't your kids suppose to get upset at each other and argue and work through disagreements?  Are we really suppose to say "go give grandma a great big, fat kiss...(whether you want to or not!)

Where in any of this is the respect we should have for our kids feelings?

I think we need to re-think what is discipline that makes sense, and what is discipline that verges on insane and sadistic (yes, I said sadistic again...cause I think it is).  Because if the day comes when Emersyn doesn't want to hug me at the end of a time-out, I get it and respect it.  I never want to force a false emotion from anyone, especially my children.

We need to allow our children to find their voice, even if it is a fight with their sibling...especially if it is a  fight with their sibling.  This is where we learn to fight...and also where we learn to make-up.  This is where it is safe to find out what works, what hurts and how to fight fare.  I mean, who else can we fight with and love all at the same time?  This is where we learn, on our own time, as it should be.

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