Who Will I be After June?

I will never again get to tell Jim I am pregnant.  I will never again get to see his face light up with THAT smile.  We will never again get to mull over baby names or tell the kids "we are having another baby."  I will never be able to give Jim the most amazing gift I have ever given him.  And after we have this baby, I will never be able to experience everything we have been so fortunate to experience during these last two pregnancies.

We will never pick out names together.  We will never lay in bed together while he feels the unborn baby kick.  He will never again tell me how beautiful I look pregnant.  He will never look at me the way he does when I am expecting.  He will never again hold me while I am in labor.  He will never again tell me "it's a boy!!!" or "it's a girl" when the baby is delivered....



There are just so many experiences that will never happen again after I have this child.  There are just so many things that Jim and I will not be able to experience EVER again once we say "we're done."  And to me, that is so sad.

It is not that I think I can even handle having a 5th child, or want another baby, I just will miss all that goes into the pregnancy excitement and the new baby excitement.  Perhaps I am addicted to the hoopla?  Perhaps I am worried that I have nothing else wonderful to offer to Jim.  Perhaps I am worried that when we are done having babies life will just be dull?

The growing-up process never ends.  The evolving process of life is truly a constant, and working to find one's self, a new self, a different self, a self in new shoes, never ends.

New Year's Eve 2006

Perhaps I just need to find my worth outside of being able to have a child?  Perhaps I need to recognize that I am capable of so much more that "just" being a mom.  I need to recognize that Jim loves me for more than telling him "we're having a baby..."  I need to recognize that although we will never hold our newborn again after this June, life can still be, exciting?

I need to know that Jim and I will still have so many amazing "firsts" coming in our future.  I need to be ok with our future as a couple.  I need to see our future as two people exploring life together, outside of "just" having children.

We will just have to wait and see what all those experiences will be....How exciting!

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