The Loss Of Mary

I never realized, but a person who has recently lost someone close to them, has a look in their eyes of complete and total loss.  This look that they get sees past all that is happening, all that they must do and the fact that they are standing in a funeral home with the deceased person whom they have loved, perhaps their entire life.  Their eyes are not seeing all that is going on, their eyes are looking at something the rest of us can't see, their eyes are seeing a past that they wish they could grab hold of, for just one more minute, but know they can't. And it is knowing that they CAN'T go back, that places them in a fog of an unimaginable existence.

My ex-husband's mother passed away last week.  She was a strong, sassy, intelligent, loving, generous person who loved and revered her family above all else.  She was a no-nonsense sales woman who didn't believe in anything other than an honest deal, and she worked until the day she couldn't.  She loved my children more than anything in the world and she was kind to me, even during my divorce from her son. She was kind to Jim and never forgot Emersyn on her birthday or Christmas, and that I feel, exemplifies how gracious a woman she was.



After the moment I heard she was gone, I thought about how I was going to call her that week, and I hadn't.  I thought about how happy I was that Cody and Skylar had just spoken to her on her birthday.  I thought about how I never got to speak to HER about the card she had recently sent Emersyn.  I thought about the fact that she didn't live to St. Patrick's Day, as she was a proud Irish woman.  I thought about how I couldn't call her, I couldn't say thanks, I couldn't say anything, ever again.

Each night last week I would lie in bed thinking about how that door was closed.  It wasn't just closed for a while, like during a fight or while you are busy, the door to Mary was closed forever.  I couldn't find the key, I couldn't unlock it and I couldn't just drop by and say hi ever again.  But, that just didn't seem possible, I still needed to speak to her about a few things?  I still needed to introduce her to Emersyn.  I still needed to say just a few more things...HEY WAIT...I STILL NEED TO TELL YOU THAT I THINK YOU ARE REALLY GREAT!?!

But that door was closed.  I just couldn't believe it, how could she be gone? I was quite sure I had a little more time.  Perhaps the next time I visited Ohio I could visit? Perhaps this week I would get a chance to call her and talk...but now that opportunity is gone and I can't yell or scream or cry or pay or wish it back... no matter what.

I feel so helpless.  I feel like how could that have just slipped away from me without anyone letting me know it was coming?  I needed a warning or a long hospital stay or someone to tell me that the time was near and I got none of that?

When I walked into the funeral home with Jim and Emersyn and I caught a glimpse of Rich and his brother I started to feel faint.  My heart ached for my ex as it had never before.  I couldn't even look in his direction as I knew that I would not be able to control myself, my sadness, my pity.  As we moved closer and closer to him and I turned to see his eyes, his eyes that stared to nowhere, I just buried my head into his chest and cried.  I couldn't even move, I was frozen with sadness and complete and utter grief.  I knew how much he loved his mom and how much he was hurting and I just couldn't bare to know he was hurting so much.

I leaned back and grabbed his face and just sobbed how sorry I was...how very very sorry.  I just wanted to take it all away, I wanted him to stop looking at nothing, I wanted him to be able to not have to be sad and I wanted everything to go back to how it had been a week earlier.

As I stood in the lobby of the funeral home Rich came over to make sure I was ok, how truly selfless.

I still lie awake at night and think about the loss of all the future cards she will never send, all the phone calls I will never make and all the Grandma stories I will not be able to hear from Cody and Skylar.  What a loss.

It is amazing how a person can impact your life so much.  It is amazing how just having her on this planet made everything "normal" and how not having her here has upset everything, if even just a bit.

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