Five Kids to Much? UG!

After I had Emersyn, my third child, my husband and I discussed having one more kid.  After polling Facebook and getting a few people's opinions as to how to decide if "one more kid" is a good idea, I listened to my cousin's advice, "if you aren't sure, you most likely aren't done."  So I didn't feel done and on September 1, 2010, Jim and I decided to go for one more.

Twenty-four days later a little stick told me "HEY LADY, YOU'RE PREGNANT!" Wow, that was quick.  So as I progressed into this pregnancy I still didn't feel done?  I mean, I felt like four kids was PLENTY, but for some reason I felt panicked about getting "fixed."  It just felt so permanent?!  It just felt so final?!  I literally got panicky about never being able to have children again...WHY?

Eventually I want to have an adulthood without children living with me!  I really LOVE my alone time with Jim, and I really don't want to do this baby thing again.  So why am I so afraid to make the commitment to being DONE having kids?



So I looked around at all my contemporaries that were DONE having kids and they are happy.  I saw women everywhere perfectly satisfied with one, two or three children.  They aren't sitting around thinking they need to hold on to having ONE MORE?  How come there were ok?  How come I couldn't wrap my brain and heart around this sort of contentment?

Because I would be letting go.

One night, I was just laying there and it hit me, I equated the end of having babies with letting go of the 3rd stage of my life.  With one snip of the literal surgical scissors, there goes my baby-making years and thus, my youth.  With the blink of an eye I would be letting go of my fertility, my vitality, my youth and all that makes me "not old."

So how do I come to grips with being ok with moving on?  How do I let go of the belief that ending my childbearing years, ends my 3rd Act, my youth, my baby-making mojo?  How do I allow myself to slip into the 4th Act?

By looking forward to it.  By acknowledging that not having children does not equal the end of it all.

Or does it?

Honestly I still can't wrap my brain around being "ok" with it.  I still haven't so much made the appointment to snip the tubes, and when people ask me if "I'm done" having kids, I say "yes," although somewhere in my heart and brain I know the real answer is "maybe?!"

I'll figure it out with Jim's help.  He says he is good with four kids and I know he is right.  I mean at four  it starts to become a collection of kids!

So perhaps this will be the last time I am pregnant? I guess I just need to start looking forward to buying that Winnebago and traveling the USA...yeah, that will get me focused on the 4th Act, that and a bottle of red wine and sleeping in past eight!

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