Getting a Divorce.
I have quite a few friends right now either going through, or have recently been through, a divorce. As I talk to them, I become more and more aware that all people need a mandatory Divorce Handbook.
My friend a while back said to me, "It doesn't matter who you marry, what you need to pay attention to is WHO YOU HAVE KIDS WITH!" How very very true!
Divorce is tough. Divorce is ugly and divorce with children may be the most important thing you never want to do in your life, but it happens and if and when it does, the ONLY thing you should be thinking about is HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY KIDS THROUGH THIS IN ONE PIECE! Because ya know what, these kids didn't ask for this. They have no idea how to mentally or emotionally process child support, 401ks, alimony, shared-parenting or custody battles. All they know is 1) My parents care about me more than anything and are working so hard to protect me or 2) My parents are complete selfish morons and have no idea what the heck they are doing.
Unfortunately, I see the later OVER AND OVER again. Parents telling their kids about what kind of monies are being negotiated, or why mommy wants a divorce and how wrong she is for tearing the family apart. Or inviting the CHILDREN into conversations about mommy or daddy's new inappropriate flavor of the week...NO I AM NOT KIDDING!
So what happens? Do the kids just listen to all the information like a jury and then decide "yep, dad's an idiot, we shall side with mom on this topic and live with her...yep, we like her best."??? Noooooo, that is NOT what happens. What happens is that the child hears "50% of the DNA that YOU are made of is shit, got that?" YEP, got it. And "your dad and I, well we are complete selfish morons and have no ability to parent you anymore, so you will need to step-up and be the parent now, got that?"
YEP, got it. My parents are idiots.
So even though your quiet son is behaving and getting good grades, you need to know, inside, he is a mess. And even though your daughter seems to be keeping it together and understands that daddy is a douche and she shouldn't marry a guy like that---BECAUSE YOU TOLD HER SO. She is a mess. Because the thing is, the kids that aren't reacting are ducks. They are calm on top and a complete mess underneath where you can't see. They are keeping it together because they love you and know you can't handle "one more thing." Because you have probably said that you can't, 100 times on the phone to your friends while making dinner. Can you hear it? "If I have to handle one more thing I will just crack!" Sound familiar? Yeah, they hear it to.
These kids going through YOUR divorce are keeping it together FOR YOU when you can't keep it together FOR THEM. They are keeping YOU out of their drama, when you refuse to keep them out of YOURS. How crazy is that?
So now we have a generation of kids, or at least the result of our 50-60% divorce rate, that are little adults. Yeah, little, mouthy, know-it-all, entitled, irritable, not-together together, tiny adults that have switched places with their divorced, head-up-their-ass, finding themselves, selfish, needed to be friends with my kids because I am to stupid to get a friend, parents. And we as a society look at these kids and go "hmmmm, why are they so angry?"
Well, let's just start with the fact that daddy said he is sleeping with Julie while he is still married to mommy and I just didn't know how to process that at 8, so I am a little pissed off right now...OK?! Oh, and by the way, mommy is a money grubbing whore, or at least that is what dad's been saying for the last four years!
Kids don't want to be our friends. They want to be protected and shielded from all the crap in OUR lives because they are dealing with enough in their own lives. They don't want to know how daddy's 401k is being split in half because mommy is taking HALF. They don't want their dad telling them that their mom is sleeping with their coach and how he caught them yesterday. THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
All they want to know is that everything is going to be alright and mom and dad are going to take care of them and that NOTHING is their fault and mom and dad will always love them. PERIOD.
Oh, and by the way, I don't care if your child is 4 or 40, they still don't want to know about dad's affair. They still don't want to know how mommy's lawyer is going to really stick it to dad in court today and they don't want their life to disintegrate around them.
So today, when you are thinking that you want to share with your 14 year old about how you just want dad to "stop acting this way or that way." Or you want to discuss child support figures with your 8 year old. STOP. This is your problem, keep the kids out of it. Because no matter who is RIGHT or WRONG, the kids will think they need to take over because obviously, YOU have no idea what you're doing.
Like what you read today? Post it to your Facebook page so everyone can read it! Click below to share!
My friend a while back said to me, "It doesn't matter who you marry, what you need to pay attention to is WHO YOU HAVE KIDS WITH!" How very very true!
Divorce is tough. Divorce is ugly and divorce with children may be the most important thing you never want to do in your life, but it happens and if and when it does, the ONLY thing you should be thinking about is HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY KIDS THROUGH THIS IN ONE PIECE! Because ya know what, these kids didn't ask for this. They have no idea how to mentally or emotionally process child support, 401ks, alimony, shared-parenting or custody battles. All they know is 1) My parents care about me more than anything and are working so hard to protect me or 2) My parents are complete selfish morons and have no idea what the heck they are doing.
Unfortunately, I see the later OVER AND OVER again. Parents telling their kids about what kind of monies are being negotiated, or why mommy wants a divorce and how wrong she is for tearing the family apart. Or inviting the CHILDREN into conversations about mommy or daddy's new inappropriate flavor of the week...NO I AM NOT KIDDING!
So what happens? Do the kids just listen to all the information like a jury and then decide "yep, dad's an idiot, we shall side with mom on this topic and live with her...yep, we like her best."??? Noooooo, that is NOT what happens. What happens is that the child hears "50% of the DNA that YOU are made of is shit, got that?" YEP, got it. And "your dad and I, well we are complete selfish morons and have no ability to parent you anymore, so you will need to step-up and be the parent now, got that?"
YEP, got it. My parents are idiots.
So even though your quiet son is behaving and getting good grades, you need to know, inside, he is a mess. And even though your daughter seems to be keeping it together and understands that daddy is a douche and she shouldn't marry a guy like that---BECAUSE YOU TOLD HER SO. She is a mess. Because the thing is, the kids that aren't reacting are ducks. They are calm on top and a complete mess underneath where you can't see. They are keeping it together because they love you and know you can't handle "one more thing." Because you have probably said that you can't, 100 times on the phone to your friends while making dinner. Can you hear it? "If I have to handle one more thing I will just crack!" Sound familiar? Yeah, they hear it to.
These kids going through YOUR divorce are keeping it together FOR YOU when you can't keep it together FOR THEM. They are keeping YOU out of their drama, when you refuse to keep them out of YOURS. How crazy is that?
So now we have a generation of kids, or at least the result of our 50-60% divorce rate, that are little adults. Yeah, little, mouthy, know-it-all, entitled, irritable, not-together together, tiny adults that have switched places with their divorced, head-up-their-ass, finding themselves, selfish, needed to be friends with my kids because I am to stupid to get a friend, parents. And we as a society look at these kids and go "hmmmm, why are they so angry?"
Well, let's just start with the fact that daddy said he is sleeping with Julie while he is still married to mommy and I just didn't know how to process that at 8, so I am a little pissed off right now...OK?! Oh, and by the way, mommy is a money grubbing whore, or at least that is what dad's been saying for the last four years!
Kids don't want to be our friends. They want to be protected and shielded from all the crap in OUR lives because they are dealing with enough in their own lives. They don't want to know how daddy's 401k is being split in half because mommy is taking HALF. They don't want their dad telling them that their mom is sleeping with their coach and how he caught them yesterday. THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
All they want to know is that everything is going to be alright and mom and dad are going to take care of them and that NOTHING is their fault and mom and dad will always love them. PERIOD.
Oh, and by the way, I don't care if your child is 4 or 40, they still don't want to know about dad's affair. They still don't want to know how mommy's lawyer is going to really stick it to dad in court today and they don't want their life to disintegrate around them.
So today, when you are thinking that you want to share with your 14 year old about how you just want dad to "stop acting this way or that way." Or you want to discuss child support figures with your 8 year old. STOP. This is your problem, keep the kids out of it. Because no matter who is RIGHT or WRONG, the kids will think they need to take over because obviously, YOU have no idea what you're doing.
Like what you read today? Post it to your Facebook page so everyone can read it! Click below to share!
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