Hey, Look Behind This Door...
I believe that in life there are many doors. Doors opened by us, and many opened by others. For example, if we choose to start smoking, that is a door we have opened. If we are abused as children, that is a door opened by our abuser. I believe that doors, once opened, are not easy to shut, as once a person is conditioned, exposed or allowed to experience, it is impossible to "un-experience" something.
This is what I tell Cody and Skylar about the Internet, rated R movies, alcohol, cigarettes and sex. I have explained to them that once they see it, feel it, experience it, their brain has a way of holding onto the information forever, whether they like it or not. I have also explained to them that exposing their brain to images of sex, violence and the like, can actually alter their bodies and minds to be older than their actual chronological/physical age.
In doing this, I put them in charge of themselves. I can't possibly be everywhere they are, so I have at least given them the knowledge of what they are doing to their minds and bodies if they so choose to "open a door" that they may never be able to close. And I must say, I think they get it, at least for now.
There are also doors in our relationships. These are the words, actions and reactions that we use between each other. In my marriage, Jim and I choose to NOT swear at each other, we choose to call if we are going to be late and we choose to express ourselves in a respectful way---even if we aren't feeling so respectful at the moment! It isn't always easy but I have learned over the years, that once you open the door of yelling, swearing, screaming and disrespect, it is a door not easily closed. It becomes OK to be disrespectful and eventually it becomes the norm. There are doors we should never open, and in a marriage we expect cheating, abuse, drugs, alcoholism, etc., are doors to remain closed, but disrespect and dishonesty are just as hard to keep closed, but just as important for a happy relationship.
The thing is, the low and high of any relationship is a threshold of sorts. Once you reach a threshold of anger, disrespect or abuse, those places become places you are capable and now willing to revisit. So in a relationship, it is important to be very careful as to where you allow yourself to be taken, because it is more likely than not, you will someday go there again. Like physical abuse, you've been there, you will probably go there again.
You see, once a door has been opened in our life, because of our own doing, or someone else's doing, we need to take responsibility for the results. We now need to shut the door; quit smoking, go to AA, stop swearing, get out of the abusive relationship, vow to never disrespect our partner again.....somehow. But once we have visited that "place" in our life, we are veterans to that aspect of life. There is no point belaboring it, no point bringing up that person's short comings, re-abusing the person for the door they opened. We need to help them do the work it takes to close that door in their life. Quit drugs, alcohol, swearing, overeating or cigarettes...not get pregnant.
We also need to be mindful of the doors we open for our children; TV or movies their minds and bodies aren't ready for, small sips of alcohol (do the research, a sip before 18 is lethal to a child in the long-term), sexual images, junk food, violence (movies, video games, TV, parental violence), and abuse. Once we SUBJECT our children to these things, they don't UNLEARN them. They become a part of who they are, who they will become and how they will develop.
We need to be mindful if we call our children names, hit them, abuse them physically or sexually or give them alcohol, cigarettes or drugs. We are opening doors that they didn't ask to have opened or don't know shouldn't be opened. We are opening a LIFELONG door that people in their future will also see as open. Others will see a weakness in them, a vulnerability and will try to open that door over and over again. Our children may have to work for years to close the door of alcoholism, abuse or drugs because we thought it was cute to let them sip a beer at Christmas, or because we can't control our anger and hit them.
We will look at them when they are adults after we abuse them and ask "why do you allow yourself to be abused?" LOOK IN THE MIRROR, YOU TRAINED ME TO BE ABUSED!! We won't be able to ask them why they are such drunks, we won't be able to question where they learned to abuse their children or themselves with bad relationships if we pre-programmed them to be disrespected by those that love them... we taught them, we opened that door.
Be mindful of the doors we open for ourselves and for others. Be mindful of the doors we open for our children because they are not aware of the damage being done. Be mindful that a raised hand, a sharp tongue and anger, become a part of a child's fabric, a threshold to be met be themselves and everyone they meet.
Life and experiences are like little vacation spots. As with a vacation, we can always remember the time we had, the places we visited and the fun we had. We need to protect ourselves and our children from the dangerous, bad or destructive memories. We need to ensure that they do not have abusive vacations to revisit with others, or inappropriate visions to pull up throughout their lives. Once you see the other side, you've seen it. What have you seen, what will your children see?
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This is what I tell Cody and Skylar about the Internet, rated R movies, alcohol, cigarettes and sex. I have explained to them that once they see it, feel it, experience it, their brain has a way of holding onto the information forever, whether they like it or not. I have also explained to them that exposing their brain to images of sex, violence and the like, can actually alter their bodies and minds to be older than their actual chronological/physical age.
In doing this, I put them in charge of themselves. I can't possibly be everywhere they are, so I have at least given them the knowledge of what they are doing to their minds and bodies if they so choose to "open a door" that they may never be able to close. And I must say, I think they get it, at least for now.
There are also doors in our relationships. These are the words, actions and reactions that we use between each other. In my marriage, Jim and I choose to NOT swear at each other, we choose to call if we are going to be late and we choose to express ourselves in a respectful way---even if we aren't feeling so respectful at the moment! It isn't always easy but I have learned over the years, that once you open the door of yelling, swearing, screaming and disrespect, it is a door not easily closed. It becomes OK to be disrespectful and eventually it becomes the norm. There are doors we should never open, and in a marriage we expect cheating, abuse, drugs, alcoholism, etc., are doors to remain closed, but disrespect and dishonesty are just as hard to keep closed, but just as important for a happy relationship.
The thing is, the low and high of any relationship is a threshold of sorts. Once you reach a threshold of anger, disrespect or abuse, those places become places you are capable and now willing to revisit. So in a relationship, it is important to be very careful as to where you allow yourself to be taken, because it is more likely than not, you will someday go there again. Like physical abuse, you've been there, you will probably go there again.
You see, once a door has been opened in our life, because of our own doing, or someone else's doing, we need to take responsibility for the results. We now need to shut the door; quit smoking, go to AA, stop swearing, get out of the abusive relationship, vow to never disrespect our partner again.....somehow. But once we have visited that "place" in our life, we are veterans to that aspect of life. There is no point belaboring it, no point bringing up that person's short comings, re-abusing the person for the door they opened. We need to help them do the work it takes to close that door in their life. Quit drugs, alcohol, swearing, overeating or cigarettes...not get pregnant.
We also need to be mindful of the doors we open for our children; TV or movies their minds and bodies aren't ready for, small sips of alcohol (do the research, a sip before 18 is lethal to a child in the long-term), sexual images, junk food, violence (movies, video games, TV, parental violence), and abuse. Once we SUBJECT our children to these things, they don't UNLEARN them. They become a part of who they are, who they will become and how they will develop.
We need to be mindful if we call our children names, hit them, abuse them physically or sexually or give them alcohol, cigarettes or drugs. We are opening doors that they didn't ask to have opened or don't know shouldn't be opened. We are opening a LIFELONG door that people in their future will also see as open. Others will see a weakness in them, a vulnerability and will try to open that door over and over again. Our children may have to work for years to close the door of alcoholism, abuse or drugs because we thought it was cute to let them sip a beer at Christmas, or because we can't control our anger and hit them.
We will look at them when they are adults after we abuse them and ask "why do you allow yourself to be abused?" LOOK IN THE MIRROR, YOU TRAINED ME TO BE ABUSED!! We won't be able to ask them why they are such drunks, we won't be able to question where they learned to abuse their children or themselves with bad relationships if we pre-programmed them to be disrespected by those that love them... we taught them, we opened that door.
Be mindful of the doors we open for ourselves and for others. Be mindful of the doors we open for our children because they are not aware of the damage being done. Be mindful that a raised hand, a sharp tongue and anger, become a part of a child's fabric, a threshold to be met be themselves and everyone they meet.
Life and experiences are like little vacation spots. As with a vacation, we can always remember the time we had, the places we visited and the fun we had. We need to protect ourselves and our children from the dangerous, bad or destructive memories. We need to ensure that they do not have abusive vacations to revisit with others, or inappropriate visions to pull up throughout their lives. Once you see the other side, you've seen it. What have you seen, what will your children see?
Like what you read today? Post it to your Facebook page so everyone can read it! Click below to share!
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