Emotional Breakdown at Starbucks
I am a complete failure and I am not afraid to admit it. Embarrassed, yes...afraid, no.
Last week, Thursday to be exact, we were on day 9 of potty training. I had been cleaning poo out of Dora panties at a minimum of once a day and I was verging on a personal, emotional meltdown of my own. So as my emotional state began to crumble, or should I say, bubble-up to a 4:00 p.m. volcanic eruption, I subconsciously decided, WE WILL BE HOLDING OFF ON THE POTTY TRAINING TILL MOMMY IS STABLE AGAIN.
So as Jim text me "Cody is up to wrestle" as I am dropping Skylar and Emersyn back off at home after a 45 minute orthodontist appointment, I started to panic, I am going to miss him wrestle. Then, as I pulled out of our development, Jim text me "Cody pinned the guy." HAAATTTTEEEE EVERYONEEEE!!!
My blood began to boil, my head started to spin and the only thing that I could think to do was scream at the top of my lungs and text back "I am going to Startbucks so everyone can just f&^k the F@#k off"....I was NOT in a good place and the fact that I was pushing and pushing myself to make the orthodontist, wrestling match and wrecking crew, dinner and everything else...and I COULDN'T, I was done done done...so everyone and everything could f*%k off.
So off I went to Starbucks. Because if I had to even think about a toilet, or kids, or dinner or diapers or day 9 of being a failing potty trainer, I might have killed everyone...but that was where I was at.
So as I sat at Starbucks, waiting to pick up Cody from his wrestling match, to take him to Wrecking Crew and grab him fast food en route, I just breathed. I don't think I thought of anything, except to wonder, who would want Peppermint syrup in their coffee? I just sat there and didn't kill anyone, didn't worry about pee or poo or dinner or Jim. I just sat, and it was exactly what I, Meredyth, Me, needed at that moment.
See the thing is, it wasn't the orthodontist, or wrestling, or dinner or potty training that had made me into a complete and utter train wreck (and that is describing where I was, lightly), it was what had been building in my life for the past two months. It was days and days of feeling isolated, alone, unloved, sad and ignored that finally came to a head on Wednesday night at 11:00 p.m. It came to a head over a text that Jim relayed to me. All at once the obviousness of where I stood, smacked me right in the face to where I couldn't ignore or pretend it wasn't there any longer. So as the next day progressed and everything inside of me sauted, I SNAPPED...it happens, so I went to Starbucks and nobody got hurt.
So today Emersyn is in diapers, not even Pull-Ups, diapers.
That night I spoke to my sister, Leslie, for over an hour, crying, driving, screaming, letting it all out, pouring out like a pitcher of orange juice spilling all over the breakfast table...making a mess, ugly, sticky and not easy to clean up, but it was coming out....finally. I wasn't in control, I wasn't filtering, I wasn't apologizing, I wasn't making excuses or saying that I had "it" all figured it. I was pouring out all the hurt and truth and reality of being here, being me, being alone, being isolated, being dissed and how it all felt...and and and....she listened. She understood and she didn't make excuses, she didn't try and tell me not to feel bad, she didn't want me to stop talking, she wasn't busy or preoccupied, she listened to every word...and I needed it, more than she will ever know. She saved my sanity, my life, my heart, everything, because when hurt like that bubbles, boils, ferments and stays inside, it hurts everything, even potty training.
So, I am a failure at potty training, but I can admit it. I can try again soon, I just know that I wasn't ready, even if Emersyn was...who knew? But I do know one thing, Starbucks isn't just for coffee any more, sometimes it is for emotional breakdowns, and so are sisters....
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Last week, Thursday to be exact, we were on day 9 of potty training. I had been cleaning poo out of Dora panties at a minimum of once a day and I was verging on a personal, emotional meltdown of my own. So as my emotional state began to crumble, or should I say, bubble-up to a 4:00 p.m. volcanic eruption, I subconsciously decided, WE WILL BE HOLDING OFF ON THE POTTY TRAINING TILL MOMMY IS STABLE AGAIN.
So as Jim text me "Cody is up to wrestle" as I am dropping Skylar and Emersyn back off at home after a 45 minute orthodontist appointment, I started to panic, I am going to miss him wrestle. Then, as I pulled out of our development, Jim text me "Cody pinned the guy." HAAATTTTEEEE EVERYONEEEE!!!
My blood began to boil, my head started to spin and the only thing that I could think to do was scream at the top of my lungs and text back "I am going to Startbucks so everyone can just f&^k the F@#k off"....I was NOT in a good place and the fact that I was pushing and pushing myself to make the orthodontist, wrestling match and wrecking crew, dinner and everything else...and I COULDN'T, I was done done done...so everyone and everything could f*%k off.
So off I went to Starbucks. Because if I had to even think about a toilet, or kids, or dinner or diapers or day 9 of being a failing potty trainer, I might have killed everyone...but that was where I was at.
So as I sat at Starbucks, waiting to pick up Cody from his wrestling match, to take him to Wrecking Crew and grab him fast food en route, I just breathed. I don't think I thought of anything, except to wonder, who would want Peppermint syrup in their coffee? I just sat there and didn't kill anyone, didn't worry about pee or poo or dinner or Jim. I just sat, and it was exactly what I, Meredyth, Me, needed at that moment.
See the thing is, it wasn't the orthodontist, or wrestling, or dinner or potty training that had made me into a complete and utter train wreck (and that is describing where I was, lightly), it was what had been building in my life for the past two months. It was days and days of feeling isolated, alone, unloved, sad and ignored that finally came to a head on Wednesday night at 11:00 p.m. It came to a head over a text that Jim relayed to me. All at once the obviousness of where I stood, smacked me right in the face to where I couldn't ignore or pretend it wasn't there any longer. So as the next day progressed and everything inside of me sauted, I SNAPPED...it happens, so I went to Starbucks and nobody got hurt.
So today Emersyn is in diapers, not even Pull-Ups, diapers.
That night I spoke to my sister, Leslie, for over an hour, crying, driving, screaming, letting it all out, pouring out like a pitcher of orange juice spilling all over the breakfast table...making a mess, ugly, sticky and not easy to clean up, but it was coming out....finally. I wasn't in control, I wasn't filtering, I wasn't apologizing, I wasn't making excuses or saying that I had "it" all figured it. I was pouring out all the hurt and truth and reality of being here, being me, being alone, being isolated, being dissed and how it all felt...and and and....she listened. She understood and she didn't make excuses, she didn't try and tell me not to feel bad, she didn't want me to stop talking, she wasn't busy or preoccupied, she listened to every word...and I needed it, more than she will ever know. She saved my sanity, my life, my heart, everything, because when hurt like that bubbles, boils, ferments and stays inside, it hurts everything, even potty training.
So, I am a failure at potty training, but I can admit it. I can try again soon, I just know that I wasn't ready, even if Emersyn was...who knew? But I do know one thing, Starbucks isn't just for coffee any more, sometimes it is for emotional breakdowns, and so are sisters....
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Let it out, Mama! Sometimes you need to. I wish I had a sister to do that to or to be able to be for like that. :) Potty training is hard.
ReplyDeleteYou might not want advise but something that worked for us is we love camping so when we went once in spring, our daughter saw the women pee behind a tree and she decided it looked so cool, she had to try it. The grass was fun to pee in, go figure. After a week of that, the potty house and gas stations, she was potty trained basically on her own. I guess the main thing was I was ready too & could keep it light and fun. Take your time. It will happen before she hits college, best advise I ever heard. HUGS!