This One's For You

My brother-in-law's step-father died.  He and his wife are on a plane to go to his mom's.  This week they will bury a man that, as I have been told countless times, was an excellent man.

I have always said that being a step-parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, but I also feel, that if done right, can be the most special relationship in a child's life.  A step-parent has the opportunity to love a child, and to show a child that although the child isn't "theirs," they love them just as much.  They have the opportunity to change a child's life on a daily basis, move, teach, help and care for a child that has been placed in their lap by events, instead of biology.

Too often a step-child becomes a memory or a reminder to the new parent, of the previous relationship.  So often, the step-parent sees the "other" parent, in that child's behavior, eyes, mannerisms.  I see so many times that the step-parent forgets that all of the chaos, drama and difficulties of raising these children of divorce, is EXACTLY what they signed up for.

Too often the step-parent forgets that these children are, in one form or another, dealing with incredible loss, frustration, fear, sadness and guilt.  These kids may WANT to love the step-parent, but have been given mixed messages that if they do love them, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.

The good step-parent many times gets the raw end of the deal.  They are the person running on the proverbial treadmill trying to EARN the child's love, respect, trust and affection, only to know that they will never be the child's father/mother.

My children are blessed with great step-parents.  Jim, in my opinion, is a saint.  He loves Cody and Skylar to a fault and I know, loves them as much as a person can love a child.  He has never once separated his love, money, time or effort, because they aren't "his" children.  He has never once said, acted, or even suggested that they weren't 100% HIS kids, and I know he means it.  You can't pay for that in a man.  You can't find that very often, but when you do, you and your children have been blessed.

My step-dad, Tom was the same way with James and I.  We never knew anything other than, "we are a family."  We always went on every vacation, ate all the same food, had all the same Christmas gifts and enjoyed all of the same things as Tom's "real" daughter, Leslie.  We never felt, "over there,"  different, not HIS kid.  He has always introduced us as HIS kids, HIS daughter, HIS son.  When he introduces me this way, it feels weird for a moment, but then it is like a badge of loved pinned to my shirt at that moment.  "He loves me as his own," and I am 38.



To me, the desire to be loved by a parent, a step-parent will always be special.  To know that he really "did love me all that time" shows today.  It shows when he loves my children, it shows when he visits, it shows when he reads my blogs, it shows when I still get Christmas gifts, it shows when he is kind and loves my husband.  He still shows me each and every day that he has ALWAYS loved me, to his core.  And it matters to me.

To me, Tom is one in a million.  He could have just married my mom, got through those years and "did his time," but he fell in love with James and me.  He made the choice all those years ago to be our dad, and he did it.  He was so young, but he went on bike rides, took us on vacations and bought us everything we needed, but most of all, he loved us, and we didn't know we were step-kids.  We never, ever knew it.  What lucky kids we were, we never knew he didn't have to love us.



So, this week, as my brother-in-law buries his step-dad, I would like to honor mine.  I would like to say, thank you Tom for never letting on that you were our step-dad.  Thank you for loving us and never separating James and I as different than Leslie.  Thank you for introducing me as your daughter each and every time.  Thank you for loving my kids and caring for them.  Thank you for hugging me like you mean it and smiling when you see me.  Thank you for never making me feel like I am "visiting" when I come home.  Thank you for dancing at my wedding.  Thank you for driving me to my dad's that time I moved there, and being nice to me in the car.  Thank you for putting up with all of my insanity when I was growing up.  Thank you for never telling me I had to "go live with my dad."  Thank you for never giving up on me.

I didn't have either of my dads walk me down the isle when I got married, I just couldn't make that choice.  Both of my dads loved me, changed my world and raised me.


Tom, you are one in a million.  I have told my kids a thousand times how very lucky they are to have Jim, and I want you to know how very lucky James and I were to have you in our life all of these years.  You DID make that difference in our lives, you DID change our world and moved and taught and loved us.  You did care for us even though we were placed in your lap by events instead of by biology and I thank you.  

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