How to Slowly Kill Your Husband

Whelp, it's official, my husband thinks I am trying to kill him.  I wondered how long it would take, but I guess now that we have been married for almost four years, he is on to me.  It appears that he finally figured out that I have purposely purchased deadly pillows.  This coming from a man who slept with a down comforter for years and is completely allergic to down.  Really?!

So every morning he wakes up and complains that his ears hurt, his eyes are bloodshot and his neck hurts.  Every night we have a major pillow discussion as to "which pillow is the flat one that doesn't make him sick."  Yes, because the puffy, beige pillows are filled with the Anthrax so stay away from those!


So today after his shower he slowly walked up to the bed where I still was, (comfortably snuggled up to and wrapped around each and every partner in crime pillow we own).  He stopped before me and said "I know you think I am crazy, and I know you don't understand, but we have to buy new pillows because these ones are killing me....YOU, are killing me"

You'd want to kill this guy, wouldn't you?

Oh but yes sweetie, CSI will never catch on to this little pillow murder.  I mean most people HOLD the pillow over their husbands face and suffocate them in the middle of the night, or during a final passionate love making, but I am killing him with allergens that are slowly crawling into his ears and eating his brain.  Mwaahhhahhh...I am such a genius, Nancy Grace will even tout my intelligence on a new way to kill your husband.


So after his somber, (insane) announcement of his defeat, I announced that today I am going to Sleepy's Mattress store and buying a new Tempurpedic mattress ($3,500) and new Tempurpedic pillows ($200).



"Today, Emersyn, you and mommy are spending $4000.00!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!"

Jim: "Hey, wait, no, you can't go do that without me!! I wanna go with you!"

Me: "Nope! I am going today without you and fixing this mess, and you don't have to be any part of it!"

Jim LOVES to go buy BIG items.  I honestly don't think he is still over me buying him a flat screen TV for his birthday last year because he wasn't at Best Buy to be a part of the BIG purchase....men...


I'm not buying anything...honestly, this is like the 5th set of pillows we have had in three years.  I am not on a pillow winning streak, unless you count slowly killing your husband as winning?  So I will let Jimmy boy pick out his own darn pillows at the store.  I just won't tell him about the Aureobasidium
that I add to his pillows after they are purchased! 


Oh honeyyyyy....time for beddddd!!!!! I've got some Aureobasidium for youuuuu...... 

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