As I Wrote this I Cried
Today Jim, Emersyn and I are off to do some Christmas shopping. I am hoping that Jim can tear himself away from his IPhone (my nemesis) and spend some quality time making decision on what to buy everyone. I love a good three day weekend, no games, no work, and no soccer, perfection! Christmas music in the air and lights at every turn, oh I love Christmas time!
I feel so blessed, we have our bills paid and a few extra bucks to buy Christmas presents, without credit cards...oh, yeah, and some new pillows for us! I remember when I was single just a few short years ago and I would go to Big Lots and pray that they had Barbie brand toys. I would see what I could buy to fill the room for as little money as possible. I remember Cody opening the Transformer that he got for Christmas one year. It was the one that moved by itself, the coolest gift ever, I was so excited. Those were good times. I felt such pride accomplishing a quality Christmas on a budget. Making memories for my kids all on my own...and then off to my moms for Christmas morning.
Then there was the second year that their dad and I were separated, it was his year with the kids overnight. I remember sitting in my house, alone, quite. It was the first Christmas Eve that I had ever spent all alone in my entire life. I completely melted down. My step-dad had to drive over to get me. I climbed into his car, pajamas and all, and went to my parent's house for the night. I guess you don't think of these nights when you get a divorce.
My entire life I went to my mom's house when I woke up. I remember being 21 years old and waking up my entire family at 7 a.m. My mom eventually said "Meredyth, I appreciate that you are excited about Christmas but you need to wait till at least 9 a.m. to wake us all up." NO FUN!! We would have coffee, juice, pastries, ham, eggs (yuck), and mimosas! It was a true Christmas event! After everyone was done eating we would go and open gifts!! Wrapping paper everywhere!!! Chaos!! Toys!! Oh, the very best!! CHRISTMAS!!
Now we are in New Jersey, away from all our friends and family. We still have the coffee and the pastries...I insist! We have our own traditions and our own chaos. Cody is usually sulky and wonders why he didn't get many gifts, Skylar is usually most excited about the gifts that she got us and Emersyn will be a maniac this year as she now understands toys and ripping open wrapping paper!! Can't wait!!
Thing is, I miss going to my mom's for pastries and mimosas while wearing my PJs. I miss my brother, James, walking in carrying gifts and giving me a kiss on the cheek. I miss my sister, Leslie, coming down wearing the PJs I bought her last year. I miss my mom yelling "WHO'S READY FOR ANOTHER MIMOSA??!" I miss my step-dad walking to the table with a pile of biscuits and gravy on his plate. I miss watching James walk in circles while talking on his cell phone. I miss walking upstairs to the kids' tree to open gifts while we all sit on the floor and my mom passes out gifts. I miss throwing all the wrapping paper down the steps and then maneuvering ourselves onto the steps while not falling, so that we can take a family picture.
I miss it all because it will never happen again. My sister is in California, we are in New Jersey and my mom is working to sell her house. Great memories that bring a smile, but also tears.
It is hard to be away. It is hard to do the same things for years and years and have that all go away. It is hard to know the chaos and love and yelling and fun, and know that you will never have it quite that way again. It is hard to know that you have to move on and make your own memories because one day you will look back at these, as that which is unattainable.
One day I will look back at this Christmas and beg for Cody to be sitting on the couch sulking, because he didn't get what he wanted. I will long for Skylar's smiling face to be there watching me open my gifts, and yearn for Emersyn to bound over all the fragile gifts, just one more time.
Before I know it, today's shopping trip will be a memory, today's chaos will be something I wish that I could have, just one more time, but won't be able to have. I will have to file today, this Christmas and these memories away with the memories of my childhood. I will have love and family to fill my mind, my heart and me, as I work to move forward to find a way to make new memories for my life.
So today, I will ignore the IPhone, the lines in the stores and the fact that everything that I buy will end up in my kid's closets in a few short weeks as "old stuff." I will try and be in the moment and be present. Because when I look back at my past, I don't remember many of the gifts I received, nor do I want to have any of those gifts. I only want James, Leslie, my mom, Tom, Cody, Skylar, Jim and Emersyn because they are Christmas, my Christmas, chaos and all.
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I feel so blessed, we have our bills paid and a few extra bucks to buy Christmas presents, without credit cards...oh, yeah, and some new pillows for us! I remember when I was single just a few short years ago and I would go to Big Lots and pray that they had Barbie brand toys. I would see what I could buy to fill the room for as little money as possible. I remember Cody opening the Transformer that he got for Christmas one year. It was the one that moved by itself, the coolest gift ever, I was so excited. Those were good times. I felt such pride accomplishing a quality Christmas on a budget. Making memories for my kids all on my own...and then off to my moms for Christmas morning.
Then there was the second year that their dad and I were separated, it was his year with the kids overnight. I remember sitting in my house, alone, quite. It was the first Christmas Eve that I had ever spent all alone in my entire life. I completely melted down. My step-dad had to drive over to get me. I climbed into his car, pajamas and all, and went to my parent's house for the night. I guess you don't think of these nights when you get a divorce.
My entire life I went to my mom's house when I woke up. I remember being 21 years old and waking up my entire family at 7 a.m. My mom eventually said "Meredyth, I appreciate that you are excited about Christmas but you need to wait till at least 9 a.m. to wake us all up." NO FUN!! We would have coffee, juice, pastries, ham, eggs (yuck), and mimosas! It was a true Christmas event! After everyone was done eating we would go and open gifts!! Wrapping paper everywhere!!! Chaos!! Toys!! Oh, the very best!! CHRISTMAS!!
Now we are in New Jersey, away from all our friends and family. We still have the coffee and the pastries...I insist! We have our own traditions and our own chaos. Cody is usually sulky and wonders why he didn't get many gifts, Skylar is usually most excited about the gifts that she got us and Emersyn will be a maniac this year as she now understands toys and ripping open wrapping paper!! Can't wait!!
Thing is, I miss going to my mom's for pastries and mimosas while wearing my PJs. I miss my brother, James, walking in carrying gifts and giving me a kiss on the cheek. I miss my sister, Leslie, coming down wearing the PJs I bought her last year. I miss my mom yelling "WHO'S READY FOR ANOTHER MIMOSA??!" I miss my step-dad walking to the table with a pile of biscuits and gravy on his plate. I miss watching James walk in circles while talking on his cell phone. I miss walking upstairs to the kids' tree to open gifts while we all sit on the floor and my mom passes out gifts. I miss throwing all the wrapping paper down the steps and then maneuvering ourselves onto the steps while not falling, so that we can take a family picture.
I miss it all because it will never happen again. My sister is in California, we are in New Jersey and my mom is working to sell her house. Great memories that bring a smile, but also tears.
It is hard to be away. It is hard to do the same things for years and years and have that all go away. It is hard to know the chaos and love and yelling and fun, and know that you will never have it quite that way again. It is hard to know that you have to move on and make your own memories because one day you will look back at these, as that which is unattainable.
Before I know it, today's shopping trip will be a memory, today's chaos will be something I wish that I could have, just one more time, but won't be able to have. I will have to file today, this Christmas and these memories away with the memories of my childhood. I will have love and family to fill my mind, my heart and me, as I work to move forward to find a way to make new memories for my life.
So today, I will ignore the IPhone, the lines in the stores and the fact that everything that I buy will end up in my kid's closets in a few short weeks as "old stuff." I will try and be in the moment and be present. Because when I look back at my past, I don't remember many of the gifts I received, nor do I want to have any of those gifts. I only want James, Leslie, my mom, Tom, Cody, Skylar, Jim and Emersyn because they are Christmas, my Christmas, chaos and all.
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I miss you too and the morning biscuits and gravy!
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