We are seeing a Counselor...
We are seeing a counselor.
There just seems to be a communication barrier, breakdown or something, and I am hoping that having an outside point of view, another set of eyes will help everyone step back, take a breath and see life from another set of eyes, hear it from another set of lips and listen again for the first time. Hopefully.
Last night Cody and I went together...Jim was working his way back from Canada. Right before we left the house Cody gave the 7 year old neighbor his thoughts on Santa Clause and I literally had to keep myself from killing him, since in only a few short minutes we would be sitting in front of a licensed professional fully capable of sending me to prison for child abuse or murder. So I restrained myself. I figured the wounds would have been to fresh to hope Cody would forget about the beating, before we arrived.
We started out with "he did this and what do I do?" and "She said that and she's mean." As we worked through the last week of parental/teen torture, we started to laugh. When he told the counselor that I am the meanest mom ever and that he feels like I make certain food for dinner "just to push his buttons," like sweet potato fries, I was amazed to think, he thinks he is the only kid/person to ever hate dinner?! So we discussed it.
Then we discussed how mean I am for not cleaning his room since I have hours and hours to do it while he is at school. He lost this argument...but that wasn't what it was about. It wasn't about winning or losing or who's right or wrong, (although clearly I was right on this one). He sat there staring at the floor and heard me. I sat there hearing him and then the counselor did something I DID NOT plan on. He asked Cody to look me in the eyes and say "I appreciate you mom for all that you do for me and I love you." Holy crap balls...if this kid says this to me I know I am going to cry because he never, ever appreciates anything I ever do ever!! Oh, God, can't we just move on and keep things the way they are. Can't I just continue to think he is a rotten, unappreciative teen that dislikes me?!
Eye contact...keep it together...make this seem like what he is about to do and say is completely normal...you CANNOT break down...they are only words...only words...only words. "Mom, I love you and appreciate all that you do for me." Oh my gosh, he said it, maybe I will tell a joke or look away? He then deflected to something else so I didn't have to. The counselor interrupted, "Cody, now, let's keep on point here, let's go back to what you just said to your mom." No, really, that's ok, we can just move on to what's for dinner, I just made it through that without crying and I would like to talk about shoes or something..truly.
Point is, I felt like the world became lighter in that 60 minutes. I felt like Cody and I broke some sort of ground, like we had seen each other for the first time in a while. He said words he had NEVER said and listened to the counselor when the counselor told him to "think about what you say before you say it," and I think Cody heard him and is going to try.
I think when you are in a relationship and it is on the fritz and YOU WON'T, DON'T WANT TO, WILL NOT, go to a counselor, you are admitting that you don't want to fix it. You are yelling to the world that you are not willing to hear what is YOUR PART in the problem. You are telling your partner that you don't care and aren't willing to fix it and that you have checked out. Period.
Thing is, you can't check out of the relationship with your live-in kid. Thank God. I FEEL BETTER that we are fixing this. I FEEL BETTER that I can talk to Cody. I FEEL BETTER that we are working towards a fix because I am learning MY part in this. I already know HIS part! WHAT IS MY PART?! Nobody ever wants to learn that, they are just to busy pointing fingers.... "but he did this and she does that..." Kill me... FIX YOU AND GO FROM THERE!!
When someone calls me and tells me about how bad "it" is, my first question is always, but what is your part in all of this? Because, as with me and Cody, EVERYONE has a part in "the problem." Nobody is innocent, nobody is above reproach, not even me....and I have a counselor to help me find out exactly what that is.
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There just seems to be a communication barrier, breakdown or something, and I am hoping that having an outside point of view, another set of eyes will help everyone step back, take a breath and see life from another set of eyes, hear it from another set of lips and listen again for the first time. Hopefully.
Last night Cody and I went together...Jim was working his way back from Canada. Right before we left the house Cody gave the 7 year old neighbor his thoughts on Santa Clause and I literally had to keep myself from killing him, since in only a few short minutes we would be sitting in front of a licensed professional fully capable of sending me to prison for child abuse or murder. So I restrained myself. I figured the wounds would have been to fresh to hope Cody would forget about the beating, before we arrived.
We started out with "he did this and what do I do?" and "She said that and she's mean." As we worked through the last week of parental/teen torture, we started to laugh. When he told the counselor that I am the meanest mom ever and that he feels like I make certain food for dinner "just to push his buttons," like sweet potato fries, I was amazed to think, he thinks he is the only kid/person to ever hate dinner?! So we discussed it.
Then we discussed how mean I am for not cleaning his room since I have hours and hours to do it while he is at school. He lost this argument...but that wasn't what it was about. It wasn't about winning or losing or who's right or wrong, (although clearly I was right on this one). He sat there staring at the floor and heard me. I sat there hearing him and then the counselor did something I DID NOT plan on. He asked Cody to look me in the eyes and say "I appreciate you mom for all that you do for me and I love you." Holy crap balls...if this kid says this to me I know I am going to cry because he never, ever appreciates anything I ever do ever!! Oh, God, can't we just move on and keep things the way they are. Can't I just continue to think he is a rotten, unappreciative teen that dislikes me?!
Eye contact...keep it together...make this seem like what he is about to do and say is completely normal...you CANNOT break down...they are only words...only words...only words. "Mom, I love you and appreciate all that you do for me." Oh my gosh, he said it, maybe I will tell a joke or look away? He then deflected to something else so I didn't have to. The counselor interrupted, "Cody, now, let's keep on point here, let's go back to what you just said to your mom." No, really, that's ok, we can just move on to what's for dinner, I just made it through that without crying and I would like to talk about shoes or something..truly.
Point is, I felt like the world became lighter in that 60 minutes. I felt like Cody and I broke some sort of ground, like we had seen each other for the first time in a while. He said words he had NEVER said and listened to the counselor when the counselor told him to "think about what you say before you say it," and I think Cody heard him and is going to try.
I think when you are in a relationship and it is on the fritz and YOU WON'T, DON'T WANT TO, WILL NOT, go to a counselor, you are admitting that you don't want to fix it. You are yelling to the world that you are not willing to hear what is YOUR PART in the problem. You are telling your partner that you don't care and aren't willing to fix it and that you have checked out. Period.
Thing is, you can't check out of the relationship with your live-in kid. Thank God. I FEEL BETTER that we are fixing this. I FEEL BETTER that I can talk to Cody. I FEEL BETTER that we are working towards a fix because I am learning MY part in this. I already know HIS part! WHAT IS MY PART?! Nobody ever wants to learn that, they are just to busy pointing fingers.... "but he did this and she does that..." Kill me... FIX YOU AND GO FROM THERE!!
When someone calls me and tells me about how bad "it" is, my first question is always, but what is your part in all of this? Because, as with me and Cody, EVERYONE has a part in "the problem." Nobody is innocent, nobody is above reproach, not even me....and I have a counselor to help me find out exactly what that is.
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I am a stay at home mom and come to your blog from time to time and some of your posts I can relate to. I have to say though, I noticed on a previous post, your son commented on what you wrote.....wow! I dont think its quite healthy for him (someone who you are having issues with) to be reading about this on the internet. Its great to blog about your life and being a mom, but obviously your son has some issues going on and you blogging about it and putting it out there for everyone to read.....ouch! Think it might be doing more harm to him than good..........
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY understand your point. He actually comes home and tells me how much he LOVES my blog and how much he likes reading it. With regard to our battles, struggles etc. he is fully aware of how I feel. Reading it here is nothing new to him, and I think, at times, it makes mom "real" and a person instead of just mom.
ReplyDeleteI am not exactly sure of which posting you are speaking of with regard to him commenting, but I can't think of any posting that he commented negatively on.
I do not 'have issues with my son.' we have problems together.
Sometimes it is good to keep your kids unaware of your past and your present, but I think it is ok to let them know that you are feeling, and what you are feeling because then they know they are not alone and that we as parents are struggeling as well.
Thanks for the comment. I hope you keep reading.
Wow this is a great resource.. I’m enjoying it.. good article
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope I make a positive difference. I obviously don't have all the answers, I can only comment on what I have lived.
ReplyDelete