Sheding Tears in Cody's Room
Today the kids come back from Ohio.
I hope I am ready to parent again, because you see, before they left, I was spent, done, exhausted, without hope, blank, upset, angry and incapable, and it felt so awful, so scary that all I wanted to do was check myself in to a hospital and sleep for a week while someone else took care of everything. I wanted to escape, run, hide, crouch, close my eyes and not look back. Not because I didn't want to do it, but because I absolutely couldn't parent my son for one more day. Not ONE more second, not ONE more minute, nothing. I had nothing else to give.
The problem is that he hasn't changed, I have. I said it the other day, I am spent and I don't know how to change that. This pregnancy is messing with me...hard.
I am truly praying that these last few days have helped me charge up and regroup to parent again, to find my patience, to find my "I can do this no matter what" again. I am truly praying because I am a mom, a mother, his mother and I have done this over and over and over again. I have fought with everything I have to be here for him, love him, be patient, be strong, and give him every ounce that I have, I need that kind of strength, I have to find it, I need it today. I have to have it, what else can I do?
By last Monday I was in such a dark place, such a scared place I was ready to check myself into a hotel with Emersyn and let the older kids and Jim fend for themselves. I needed a way out, I needed a break from the voices in my head telling me, "You need to fix this...You need to do this....What happened....What can you do....Fix it, fix it fix it...." Because I didn't want to do anything anymore. Everything I was doing wasn't working, nothing I said mattered and I had nothing else to give. I just couldn't be a mom for one more minute. I needed to be anywhere but here. I just needed peace, space, quiet.
Every nerve under my skin was on fire, my head hurt, my joints ached, my stomach was sick, my teeth were sore, my I could feel every bone in my body, my whole body felt like it needed to sleep for a month or more. Nothing could make me feel normal, better, calm. I was officially physically depressed and I knew it. Should I call a counselor? Should I call my dad? Should I go to a hotel and sit in a pool? The gym isn't helping, this caramel apple isn't helping? What if I just had a puff of a cigarette? What about a sip of a beer? Can I get off this couch and go for a walk? It was all over me like lint. The depression was all around me like smog. I couldn't talk it off of me. I couldn't get it off, I needed to escape, but there's nowhere to go.
To make everything worse than I could have imagined, I got a phone call. This person called me 4x in a row, making sure they got a hold of me, making sure I knew their take on MY situation. Making sure I knew what I should know about Cody. I answered. "The reason Cody is where he is, is because of the men you dated after you were divorced. Whatever he saw or had to deal with at that time... he is now dealing with and this is the result." Did I mention I was about suicidal BEFORE this phone call? "ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME WITH THIS???!!!!" F----U!!!!
Thank you Jim for being you... Thank you for loving me...Thank you for chasing me into Cody's bedroom and understanding that I couldn't let you touch me. Thank you for not telling me I was ok. Thank you for being on my side. Thank you for knowing the situation and being open-minded to it all and still knowing that I didn't cause this. Thank you for sitting on Cody's bed and not asking why I chose Cody's room to run to, when I flew up the steps. Thank you for watching me sob without hope and not asking me to stop crying.
"Meredyth, no matter what has gotten us here, we are here. Cody is who he is, Skylar is who she is, and there is not ONE thing that has made any of us anyway. We can't blame anything on anyone, not us, not who you dated, not Rich, not me, not school, nothing. There is no point in placing blame on anyone or anything because that is all behind us. The only thing we need to deal with is where we are going and how to make it better for all of us. Cody has been Cody since preschool, he has always been the same kid, good and bad and nothing that you did, short of being a wonderful mom, changed any of that so YOU WILL NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS ANYMORE THAT YOU ALREADY ARE. GOT IT!! You are a wonderful mother and you are here 100% for these kids so that person that called you can kiss my a**! There is no place for blame here and this is that LAST THING you needed."
Today I will be strong for my family. Today I will find it in me because with Jim by my side reminding me that I am whole and good and strong, I can accomplish this. I can do this. I can find my way.
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I hope I am ready to parent again, because you see, before they left, I was spent, done, exhausted, without hope, blank, upset, angry and incapable, and it felt so awful, so scary that all I wanted to do was check myself in to a hospital and sleep for a week while someone else took care of everything. I wanted to escape, run, hide, crouch, close my eyes and not look back. Not because I didn't want to do it, but because I absolutely couldn't parent my son for one more day. Not ONE more second, not ONE more minute, nothing. I had nothing else to give.
The problem is that he hasn't changed, I have. I said it the other day, I am spent and I don't know how to change that. This pregnancy is messing with me...hard.
I am truly praying that these last few days have helped me charge up and regroup to parent again, to find my patience, to find my "I can do this no matter what" again. I am truly praying because I am a mom, a mother, his mother and I have done this over and over and over again. I have fought with everything I have to be here for him, love him, be patient, be strong, and give him every ounce that I have, I need that kind of strength, I have to find it, I need it today. I have to have it, what else can I do?
By last Monday I was in such a dark place, such a scared place I was ready to check myself into a hotel with Emersyn and let the older kids and Jim fend for themselves. I needed a way out, I needed a break from the voices in my head telling me, "You need to fix this...You need to do this....What happened....What can you do....Fix it, fix it fix it...." Because I didn't want to do anything anymore. Everything I was doing wasn't working, nothing I said mattered and I had nothing else to give. I just couldn't be a mom for one more minute. I needed to be anywhere but here. I just needed peace, space, quiet.
Every nerve under my skin was on fire, my head hurt, my joints ached, my stomach was sick, my teeth were sore, my I could feel every bone in my body, my whole body felt like it needed to sleep for a month or more. Nothing could make me feel normal, better, calm. I was officially physically depressed and I knew it. Should I call a counselor? Should I call my dad? Should I go to a hotel and sit in a pool? The gym isn't helping, this caramel apple isn't helping? What if I just had a puff of a cigarette? What about a sip of a beer? Can I get off this couch and go for a walk? It was all over me like lint. The depression was all around me like smog. I couldn't talk it off of me. I couldn't get it off, I needed to escape, but there's nowhere to go.
To make everything worse than I could have imagined, I got a phone call. This person called me 4x in a row, making sure they got a hold of me, making sure I knew their take on MY situation. Making sure I knew what I should know about Cody. I answered. "The reason Cody is where he is, is because of the men you dated after you were divorced. Whatever he saw or had to deal with at that time... he is now dealing with and this is the result." Did I mention I was about suicidal BEFORE this phone call? "ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME WITH THIS???!!!!" F----U!!!!
Thank you Jim for being you... Thank you for loving me...Thank you for chasing me into Cody's bedroom and understanding that I couldn't let you touch me. Thank you for not telling me I was ok. Thank you for being on my side. Thank you for knowing the situation and being open-minded to it all and still knowing that I didn't cause this. Thank you for sitting on Cody's bed and not asking why I chose Cody's room to run to, when I flew up the steps. Thank you for watching me sob without hope and not asking me to stop crying.
"Meredyth, no matter what has gotten us here, we are here. Cody is who he is, Skylar is who she is, and there is not ONE thing that has made any of us anyway. We can't blame anything on anyone, not us, not who you dated, not Rich, not me, not school, nothing. There is no point in placing blame on anyone or anything because that is all behind us. The only thing we need to deal with is where we are going and how to make it better for all of us. Cody has been Cody since preschool, he has always been the same kid, good and bad and nothing that you did, short of being a wonderful mom, changed any of that so YOU WILL NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS ANYMORE THAT YOU ALREADY ARE. GOT IT!! You are a wonderful mother and you are here 100% for these kids so that person that called you can kiss my a**! There is no place for blame here and this is that LAST THING you needed."
Today I will be strong for my family. Today I will find it in me because with Jim by my side reminding me that I am whole and good and strong, I can accomplish this. I can do this. I can find my way.
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