Most Hysterical Night of My Life-EVER!!!

Many years ago....My two friends and I were at T.G.I. Friday's having appetizers and drinks.  My one friend is not a drinker and had a few frozen cocktails that evening.  We had a great time catching up and as we were watching the servers close up for the night, my friend excused herself to go to the restroom.  She was gone for a little while but I wasn’t concerned.  When she returned she told us that she wasn’t feeling 100% and if we could just hang out for a little while because she wasn’t comfortable leaving yet. We of course said, “sure.”

She excused herself again and while she was gone my other friend and I began to feel a little uncomfortable because now the servers were doing their closing work all around us.  After a few minutes she came back, let’s just say, a little white.  We asked her if she was ok and she said, “no! let’s get outta here!”

So I was in charge of taking her home. We climed into my Expedition.  It is a large vehicle and sits up kinda high and as she climbed in she tells me, “you better fly home because I’m not feeling well, AT ALL, and it ain’t gonna be pretty if you don’t get me to a bathroom and quick!”

Me: “What the heck does that mean? Are you going to throw up or crap?”

Her: “Crap, my stomach is a mess! I don’t know if I am going to make it home!”

Me: “What the hell does that mean, ‘you don’t know if you are going to make it home?’ Are you going to shit in my car?”

Her: “I don’t know, it isn’t far, hurry the hell up.”

So we pull out and start down the street.



Her: “ohhh geeze, this isn’t good, is there anywhere we can pull over?”

Me: “uhhh, NO! Everything is closed!”

Her: “well, can we hurry the heck up, I don’t know if I am going to make it to your mom’s house”

Now you need to understand. This friend of mine is nuts, she is an absolute blast and nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is ever dull when she is around.  And my mom, well, her and my mom don’t exactly mesh, so as she is telling me that she may have to take the largest, most awful crap at my mom’s, I am thinking, this isn’t going to go over well with my mother...I digress...

Now we are flying down the street.  She is pleeding with me to tell her how she can keep from crapping her pants in my car.  I am laughing hysterically and screaming “if you crap in my car, I am killling you, I’m not kidding, I will li-ter-a-ly kill you!!!!”

Now she and I are both crying we are laughing so hard because she is doing these butt lifts and I am telling her to do lamaze breathing to try and calm herself down. Now she has her butt in the air, crying, laughing, doing lamaze breathing and I am going 70 down a back road in the dark panicing that I am about to have crap, that I know will NEVER come out, all over my car, everywhere!!!

Her: “no seriously, I need something for this seat just in case I can’t hold it anymore, I don’t know if I can.”

I turn to the back seat and all I can find is a plastic baby book for her to sit on...NO I AM NOT KIDDING, WE ARE PLANNING FOR A CRAP ACCIDENT HERE BY PUTTING A MICKY MOUSE BABY BOOK UNDER HER CLENCHED CHEEKS!

HER: “I am sweating, no seriously, you have to pull over or something!!!”

Me: “Where the hell am I going to pull over? Are you going to crap on the side of the road? It is a ditch, if anyone drives by they will see your big, white ass!”

Her: “SHUT UP and STOP MAKING ME LAUGH I AM GOING TO SHIT ALL OVER YOUR CAR..I AM NOT KIDDING!!!”

So there it was, the only place for 3 miles with a bathroom. 

A nursing home.

......It was about 10:30 at night and as we were pulling into the nursing home there was an ambulance pulling out. We just missed hitting the ambulance as the turn in, is a sharp one and I was going about 40.  I flew into the parking lot, parked and turned off my headlights.

Me: “Are you really going to go in there and go to the bathroom?”

Her: “Yes, Do you want me to shit in your car?”

Me: “of course not, but I can’t believe you are going to really go in there!”

Her: “I have to, now shut the hell up and here’s your book!”

Me: “get that damn crappy book away from me, it probably has your crap goo all over it!”

Her: “No, it does, I told you to stop making me laugh so hard.”

Me: “holy crap, are you kidding me, get that thing away from me!!!”

She climbs out of the truck and wraps her jacket around her waist and starts walking into the nursing home.  She is slow and steady and sort of shuffeling her feet.

Side Note: This is a really really nice nursing home, in a really really nice town.  It isn’t some run of the mill place, this is one of those great places that you actually wouldn’t mind living in...and there she goes....off to crap in it.

I am sitting in my car, I turn the lights off but keep the car running, I had no idea what was going on in there.  I am calling our other friend that we parted ways with at Friday's. I start recounting the events so far, crying as I am telling her what has happened. She can’t believe it..but yes, then again, she can, it is her, of course this is happening.

Friend: “No,... she shit her pants in your car?”

Me: “Well, she started to. She was doing lamaze breathing and sitting on a plastic book. But she did have to wrap her coat around her waist when she walked away from the car so it can’t be good!!?

Friend: “oh my gosh, I’m glad I didn’t have to take her home, call me later and tell me what happened.”

Me: “will do...later, here she comes..”

Her: laughing and paniced, “GO GO GO, GET OUTTA HERE!!!!”

Me: “What happened in there?!!?

Her: “I’ll tell you in a second, just go, seriously we have to get outta here, I don’t know if anyone is going to come out here or not”

I back the truck up, tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard, she has a look of fear on her face but is laughing and panicked at the same time.

Me: “What the heck happened? What did you do? Did you go?”

Her: “oh yeah, I went all right”

Me: “Your killing me, tell me what the hell happened in there?!”

I have to tell you, I have never had anything funnier happen around me in my entire life.  There are times when you have no intention of something being funny, but in this instance, there has been nothing funnier in my entire life...That being said....

Her: “Well, I walked in and there is nobody around.. So I am literally worried that I am going to crap right there in the hall. I am looking up and down the halls and there are NO bathrooms anywhere...so.... I went in someone’s room....”

Me: “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! YOU WENT INTO SOMEONE’S ROOM??!!! HOLY CRAP WE ARE GOING TO GET ARRESTED!!!!”

Her: “I know, why the heck do you think I was telling you to get outta there!”

Me: “so was anyone IN the room?”

Her:  Shruggin....“No, I think it was the person’s room, that they took away in the ambulance, or something?!”

You have to see the Thank-God-they-left-in-the-ambulance face she made.  Like going to the hospital sick was oh-so-convienent for everyone involved, like the heavens opened up for her that night and that poor old person went to the hospital so she could crap in her nursing home bathroom.... 

Me: “so you just went in her (now the room’s resident in our mind’s is a female) bathroom and went?”

Her: “yeah, thank God, what else was I suppose to do?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Her: “but that’s not all...”

Me: “holy crap, what else could there possibly be?!”

Her: “I left my underware in the bathroom garbage can...”

Me: “YOU WHAT??!?!?” HOLY CRAP, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! 

Her: "Well what did you want me to do? They were a mess, I couldn't keep wearing them."

Me: "Well that doesn't mean you should leave them in there for them to deal with! Ohhh that is soo bad, I can't believe you left them in there.. can you imagine finding those in the morning!"

Tears are streaming down my face, my face is killing me from laughing, I am now going to pee my pants I can’t evern believe what I am hearing, my sides ache from laughing, laughing forever and I can’t stop.  All I can see is her big, cotton, white, shitty panites in this poor, in-the-hospital, old woman’s garbage can and because she is at the hospital nobody is going to clean up her bathroom anytime soon...oh my gosh, the pain, the pain, my whole body aches...Friend won’t believe this when we tell her, she will never believe that all of this insanity happened...She will never believe that Her underware are at a nursing home.

Me: “OH MY GOSH...YOU ARE THE SHITTY PANTY BANDIT!!! AHHHHA AHHAHA... YOU’RE THE SHITTY PANTY BANDIT!!!

Her: “OH MY GOSH, THAT’S HYSTERICAL, I AM, I’M THE SHITTY PANTY BANDIT...”

Me: “oh my gosh, what if it is on the news.  What if they are like (Newscaster’s voice) “last night someone broke into the Blah blah blah nuring home in blah, Ohio and accosted one of the resident’s rooms. After they soiled the resident’s bathroom, the offender then left traces of her offence and deposited her soiled underward in the resident’s bathroom.  There are no suspects at this time, but police are doing an investigation in to this matter...”

Her: “oh my gosh, what if they did!? What if they did DNA testing on my underware and found out it was me?! Oh my gosh, I would die!!”

Me: “You are so screwed, you are going to be on the news and be the Shitty Panty Bandit...that’s hysterical...only you...”

And I dropped her home. 

I have to tell you, that was the best, most hysterical night of my life.. We didn’t mean that poor old woman harm, it was what it was, a May Day, plain and simple. That was her only choice, and we went with it.  Maybe that WAS the ambulance-woman’s room? Maybe it wasn’t, but the heaven’s opened up that night, unlocked the side door of that nursing home, emptied a room and left a garbage can ...and we thank those heavens, those doors and that room.  

You never know when a situation like this might strike. It could be at a crowded parade, or a traffic jam in California, or maybe on a 4 mile walk with no McDonald's around? Who knows.  The fact is, we can’t judge Her, we can only understand, cause when ya gotta go, ya gotta go, and The Shitty Panty Bandit, went.