Exposing Myself to Change

Being a parent teeters on impossible.  I think something like, hitting my fingers with a ball-peen hammer, would only be more painful.

Receiving the phone call from the Vice-Prinicpal is so damn gut wrenching.  What do you say? What do you do? WHEN YOU KID IS W-R-O-N-G!!! I want to stick up for him, I want to tell her.. "oh no, not my kid." But I can't, and I didn't.  I actually told her to hang him by a nail in the hall with a Dunce cap on his head.  I'm over it. How many times can you say the same thing over and over and over.....

My hands are up in the air and I am spinning around asking "WHY?!"  I have tried everything. I have done everything I can possibly try and I don't know what else to do.... because running him over with my van is illegal...right?



You never stop loving your child, I have told my kids that you have no choice but to love your kids (I think sometimes they don't believe I love them...must be that they only get 1,000 Christmas gifts and not 1,500 OR that my whole life swirls around their mere existence?).  But sometimes you do stop liking their behavior.

How many times can I hit myself with this darn hammer?  How many times can I fail?

Granted, it is CODY that got in trouble at school,  it is Cody causing trouble with his sisters, but I haven't tollerated on ounce of it.  I have changed, I have "lost it,"  and I have cracked and given up and because of it, life as he has known it for 14 years has suddenly changed.  MOM IS PUTTING UP WITH NOTHING!

Last night some of my haze was lifted away and I suddenly realized that HIS behaivor hasn't changed but my REACTION to his behaivor has.  I called Cody in to talk and I explained that much of what is going on in our house is my fault.  I told him that I see he is trying, I see he is working on his relationships with his sisters and trying around the house, but it is me that is being less tollerant.  I poured my heart out letting him know that I haven't been nice, I haven't been patient and I am sorry.  I cried, I appologized, I spilled my soul onto the floor to let him know MY part in the temperature of the household.

AND the whole time he kept looking at the clock...ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME HERE?!  I am exposing myself, I am telling you, as your mom, that I am wrong, I am doing what NO mother does and puttin all my cards on the table and ALL YOU CAN DO IS LOOK AT THE CLOCKKKK!!!???

It is 9:22 and he knows he only has 8 minutes before he has to go to bed, the longer I talk, the more TV time he misses....I have lost him.  He doesn't care, he doesn't care that I am crying like a 2 year old telling him that I am a bad mom and am sorry.  He doesn't understand that I can't have him hate this house, that I can't have him wanting to move to his dad's because he hates us, that I just couldn't live with that.   He doesn't care that I am doing my best...he only cares about the TV show he is missing....defeated, I tell him "forget it Code, go watch your show..."

When I was 12 and 16,  I packed my belongings and moved to my dads.  I moved to escape, I moved to align and I made the same mistake twice.  I understand if Cody wants to move to his dads, I just don't want him moving there to escape, I want him, to want to be with his dad, not to want to escape me.  How selfish, how greedy, how self-serving...but at least I am honest, I have given my life for these kids, it would be to sickening to have done all that to just end up hated.

I told myself before I got out of bed this morning..."Today is going to be a great day...I am healthy, Skylar is having a birthday party here tonight, I get to spend the day with Emersyn and I can be more patient with Cody..."  I am going to start doing this every day, I need to change MY attitude, MY outlook, because I have been negetive recently and I don't want to be.

I can't control anything, I know this.  But I can control what happens in my mind.  I can control what I do, I can appologize, take responsibility, move forward, smile, try, be here, be positive and work towards just being a better me.  If I AM A positive person, the temperature of the whole house will be positive, this is a fact, and today, I can do that, even if nobody notices but me.

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