When I was an Alcoholic

I have been, what I call, a Situational Alcoholic twice in my life.  The first time was when I was when I sold cars and the second time was when I was going through my divorce.

My definition of a Situational Alcoholic is when a person steps so far outside their person, the only way to deal with everything and anything is to drink, excessively.  Thus, I was a Situational Alcoholic.

When I was selling cars I was dating a guy that I met when I was about 18. He and I dated for about a year and a half and to this day I know I was in puppy love with him.  We broke up and unfortunately by the time we broke up, we both worked at the same car dealership, therefore we had to see each other every day.  After we broke up, I didn't have anything to do because all of my friends were at college, so I started hanging out with the older crowd, and by older I mean I was 19 and they were 40.

I was a 19 year old girl from the suburbs hanging out with a bunch of crazy, been-there done-that car salespeople in Ohio, where there is nothing to do but drink and cheat on your wife. Not a good mix for someone that was more or less, clueless.  I lived on my own and there was nobody to go home to, so every night I would find someone else to hangout with and well, Situational Alcoholism at it's finest.



My next bout with Situational Alcoholism was when I was going through my divorce.  I never wanted to get a divorce and doing so was against everything I ever wanted in my life.  Eventually though you wake up one day and realize that where you have ended up is not where you want to continue to go and so you make a change.  Well, change is tough but when you are an unemployed, stay-at-home mother of a 4 and 2 year old, change is impossible.  Add to that the entire world thinking you have lost your mind, change is impossible and frightening.

To do something that is so against who you believe yourself to be can be the most painful thing in the world.  To go against your own grain you must force the situation, alter the norm, break what seems fixed, and move what is un-moveable.  To do this I had to walk outside of myself and become someone that could get a divorce, could leave, could break the rules and hurt her children.  You can't hurt your children and everyone you know and be sober, you have to hide, you have to change so that you don't change.

Situational Alcoholism....

I had never had beer or wine in the house. When I left we still had the same bottles of champagne we received for a wedding gift.  But when I had to hide, I started to drink.  When I did the things that weren't Meredyth I became a person that could do those things, a person that was ok with all the wrong, ok with being flippant, arrogant, flagrant, mean, sneaky, awful, pathetic. Without it, my skin would hurt, my hair would ache and my hands would shake, I just wasn't built that way and I needed to do something to get me through it.

So I drank.

There is not many things worse than divorce.  I will never forget standing before that judge.  He wore a bow-tie.  He never sat down at the bench, but stood and paced back and forth and back and forth, in that huge black robe and white button down shirt with glasses that were too big for his face.  The bench sat up high so if my memory serves me, he was about 10 feet tall.

My ex stood to my left. I was wearing a dress.  I was shaking, heart pounding. He looked down at us as he asked "You understand that today IF I grant you this divorce you will not be married anymore?" We answer yes. I am feeling faint by this point.  "You understand that you will be bound by the terms of this divorce and all that is in it, Yes?" We answer, yes.  "Do you agree to everything in these documents and are you agreeing to this of your own free will?" " Is anyone forcing you to do this? Is this what you want?" Holy shit, by this point I will remarry the guy if this judge will just stop asking me questions.    We both answer, yes.  And then the question that I will never forget, the question that to this day haunts me, "IS THERE ANY POSSIBLE WAY TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE?" He blasts down from the bench as if he is OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD.... kill me...no seriously, kill me. Of course there is a way to save this marriage, there is always a way to do anything, but that doesn't mean for one minute that both of us, at the same time, are going to do what the other person wants them to do? So, no, we both answer no, and the judge turns around...

Now, while writing this I am crying, how awful, how horribly awful that anyone gets a divorce. The tears are pouring down my face right now because I remember being in that courtroom thinking I could have said yes and fixed it, made it all better, went home and did "the right thing."

As the judge had his back turned, my ex looked over at me and asked "are you ok and brushed my had with his." don't be nice to me, for the love of God, please please don't make this harder than it is. I am doing what I want, what is right for both of us, but for the love of God just make this stop, make all this stop.


We got divorced. Papers signed. It was done.

We walked out of the building together and he asked if I was ok, I lied and said "yes."  I walked to my car parked to the left of the front door, he was parked to the right.  I couldn't look at him but all I wanted to do was hug him. It was so sad, so very very sad. It was so very sad and still is.

I smoked then and I am so glad I did. I got to my car, lit a cigarette and bawled the entire way home.  I was a mess. I don't regret getting a divorce, I regret getting myself there.  I regret not waiting to get married, I regret not knowing myself before I said "I do."  I regret not knowing how to be a better wife. I regret not putting my foot down. I regret not treating the decision to get married as the most important decision I would ever make, because if you don't make a good choice FOR YOU, you end up divorced.

When I finally was completely moved out, I never had alcohol in the house again and I think I went out 2 times a month when the kids were with their dad.  It was over, I could be me again, I had conquered leaving.

I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy, not even twit See Arch Nemesis, not even the doctor that asked me awful questions in the ER See D&C, divorce is awful.

Situational Alcoholism is real and sometimes necessary.  I think the question we should ask ourselves when we have to always have a drink in our hand, or always need a drink is, "why?" Why do we want or need to be outside of ourselves right now. What is going on that is against our grain? We aren't usually drinking because we want to be in our right mind. I know this, I've been there, I've felt it.

I don't regret the divorce. I am happy now, I have a great life and the most amazing husband ever. I wouldn't trade anything for the world.  But that doesn't change what was, what I went through, what I did.  Now I see it, if I am drinking, I ask myself, "what's going on, why are you escaping?" And it opens a door for me to the truth.  Now I can see where I've been, where I am at, and keep myself together for where I am going. For me, that is growth, for me, that is life.