The Sex Talk
Talking to your kids about IT is more frightening than Freddie Krueger. I remember the fear I felt when it appeared to be the time to have THE TAAAALLKK with my oldest, kill me... I figured I needed a book, a book to help me walk through IT with him, something to hold my hand so that the whole thing wasn't on my shoulders. I mean come on, I have to read the words, but I don't need to come up with them to... So off to the store I went, to find a book for THE TALK.
I was so afraid of IT. I just knew if I told him, he would run right out and do IT as soon as possible. Oh, if we could just hold out a few more years...does he really really need to know how HE was made? Does he really need to know about me and the secret every parent has about how their kid was made? Oh, I don't want him to know what I've done to make him and his sisters! Is that the fear? To let them know OUR truth?...All of it?!
When my oldest was 8, or 9 I found a great book with cartoon people, and nice little drawings and the perfect language to work up to IT, explain IT and then gently bring us to...the, "well, whatta ya think?"
So we sat down on the couch, opened up to page one and read, "questions?" read, "questions?" read oh my gosh, it is on the next page, here it comes, he is about to know the secret, my secret FOREVER!!!!! Maybe we can just stop at the part about body odor and be done with it..no, I must do this, I CAN do this...and like that, we were done. "Ok, no questions, perfect" DONE! wheew, that went well. *CHECK*
That was until I four years later when I was listening to the radio and the program was hosting some local teens. The kids were talking about how parents don't realize that teens want to learn about everything from their parents and just because parents talk about IT to their kids, doesn't mean they will do IT, actually, just the opposite! And And And...ug, I got to go back in there don't I. I can't just check the *Have talk with teen* thing off the parental "to do" list.
I can talk to my kids about drugs, cigarettes and drinking and know the more I talk to them about it, the more they will be informed and thus the less likely they will be to do it. So why is it that I am so afraid to talk to them about IT? Why do I think that they will run out and do IT? Perhaps it's because we would perfectly happy if they had "DRUGS & ALCOHOL ARE BAD" imprinted into their brains forever! But with IT, there is that line, the line between where IT is great and wonderful and feels good and, don't do it and it's bad and only dirty girls do that. We have to walk that line between beauty and love, and dirty and "she'll take a piece of your person for the rest of your life and you'll never get it back..."
So I just put it all out there. I told him everything I could tell a 12 year old. I even explained that I was afraid to tell him and that IT is actually nice and not something we "get stuck doing just to make a baby" (he was actually wondering why if that had been the case, why would there be a need for condoms,.. smart kid).
All went smoothly until he started asking questions. Questions you never want to have to answer, everything his friends had ever told him, things he wanted me to confirm or deny, things so out there I am sure I made the "seriously?" face. But I answered them, every single one, and I am glad that I did, and I honestly believe I took the "wonder what that's like, I think I will try IT" out of IT.
Now he messes with me. He thinks he and I now live in the same IT world. He thinks he now has the right to joke with me about IT and everything to do with IT...not so much. I want him to know about this stuff but I don't so much need him asking me about whether or not I will be "working on making another baby" *wink wink*... kill me... We need to work on boundaries a little bit I guess.
I have to be the one to give them my values, my expectations of their behavior and my truth. I have to trust in the job that we have done raising them and give them the tools to know everything to protect themselves. Trust me, their friends are telling them everything, it is my job to now tell them the truth!
My son probably knows more about IT than most people, he knows he can ask me anything, anytime and I will do my best to give him the truth or find out the answer. He has asked me about everything and I just breath, get my thoughts in order and talk. Trust me, I am not wanting to do this job, I got it 14 years ago, now I just have to deal within the constraints of the contract.
Soon it will be time to have THE TALK PART II with my daughter, she is creeping up on 12 and is in 6th grade. I am not looking forward to it, but I know it is my responsibility. My goal is to just TALK, to open up the communication lines, to work on their mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health from here in my family room. I'll let you know how it goes, so far so good, except the joking, who knew I would be getting teased about "doing it" from my 14 year old....boundaries?...
I was so afraid of IT. I just knew if I told him, he would run right out and do IT as soon as possible. Oh, if we could just hold out a few more years...does he really really need to know how HE was made? Does he really need to know about me and the secret every parent has about how their kid was made? Oh, I don't want him to know what I've done to make him and his sisters! Is that the fear? To let them know OUR truth?...All of it?!
When my oldest was 8, or 9 I found a great book with cartoon people, and nice little drawings and the perfect language to work up to IT, explain IT and then gently bring us to...the, "well, whatta ya think?"
So we sat down on the couch, opened up to page one and read, "questions?" read, "questions?" read oh my gosh, it is on the next page, here it comes, he is about to know the secret, my secret FOREVER!!!!! Maybe we can just stop at the part about body odor and be done with it..no, I must do this, I CAN do this...and like that, we were done. "Ok, no questions, perfect" DONE! wheew, that went well. *CHECK*
That was until I four years later when I was listening to the radio and the program was hosting some local teens. The kids were talking about how parents don't realize that teens want to learn about everything from their parents and just because parents talk about IT to their kids, doesn't mean they will do IT, actually, just the opposite! And And And...ug, I got to go back in there don't I. I can't just check the *Have talk with teen* thing off the parental "to do" list.
I can talk to my kids about drugs, cigarettes and drinking and know the more I talk to them about it, the more they will be informed and thus the less likely they will be to do it. So why is it that I am so afraid to talk to them about IT? Why do I think that they will run out and do IT? Perhaps it's because we would perfectly happy if they had "DRUGS & ALCOHOL ARE BAD" imprinted into their brains forever! But with IT, there is that line, the line between where IT is great and wonderful and feels good and, don't do it and it's bad and only dirty girls do that. We have to walk that line between beauty and love, and dirty and "she'll take a piece of your person for the rest of your life and you'll never get it back..."
So I just put it all out there. I told him everything I could tell a 12 year old. I even explained that I was afraid to tell him and that IT is actually nice and not something we "get stuck doing just to make a baby" (he was actually wondering why if that had been the case, why would there be a need for condoms,.. smart kid).
All went smoothly until he started asking questions. Questions you never want to have to answer, everything his friends had ever told him, things he wanted me to confirm or deny, things so out there I am sure I made the "seriously?" face. But I answered them, every single one, and I am glad that I did, and I honestly believe I took the "wonder what that's like, I think I will try IT" out of IT.
Now he messes with me. He thinks he and I now live in the same IT world. He thinks he now has the right to joke with me about IT and everything to do with IT...not so much. I want him to know about this stuff but I don't so much need him asking me about whether or not I will be "working on making another baby" *wink wink*... kill me... We need to work on boundaries a little bit I guess.
I have to be the one to give them my values, my expectations of their behavior and my truth. I have to trust in the job that we have done raising them and give them the tools to know everything to protect themselves. Trust me, their friends are telling them everything, it is my job to now tell them the truth!
My son probably knows more about IT than most people, he knows he can ask me anything, anytime and I will do my best to give him the truth or find out the answer. He has asked me about everything and I just breath, get my thoughts in order and talk. Trust me, I am not wanting to do this job, I got it 14 years ago, now I just have to deal within the constraints of the contract.
Soon it will be time to have THE TALK PART II with my daughter, she is creeping up on 12 and is in 6th grade. I am not looking forward to it, but I know it is my responsibility. My goal is to just TALK, to open up the communication lines, to work on their mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health from here in my family room. I'll let you know how it goes, so far so good, except the joking, who knew I would be getting teased about "doing it" from my 14 year old....boundaries?...
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