Submission Doesn't always mean Handcuffs

Do you know anyone that thinks they know everything about everything? For example, a physician who feels that they are, of course, a genius in marketing as well? Or the husband that earns money at work and therefore feels "hey, I get paid a lot at work, I must be a great at everything"

These I-am-a-specialist-at-everything types are the demise of any good business or relationship. These are the people that hold a business back.  They are the bosses that only ask their staff's opinion because they read it in some book on management.  This is the parent who feels that because they hold a job and get a paycheck, they then are the only person in their house that can make any decisions on raising the kids.

I think this is called being a control freak? The "nobody can do "it" as good as I can" person. That if they don't do it and leave it to just anyone, it will not be quite right.  This is not me. I know my weaknesses, I know I am good at a few things, I have my strengths, but I am also painfully aware of my enumerable emotional, physical and mental downfalls.  But this I feel is a strength, to know I need help, to really know that anyone would be better than me for a job.

Yesterday I was aggravatingly reminded that I am much better at writing, helping, loving, making oatmeal, and changing diapers than I am at configuring websites.  I spent 9 hours yesterday working on moving my blog to another web address,  to many, a very simple task, to me, a painful day-long endeavor which ended finally when my husband came home and fixed it all.

I have seen the sickness of the need for control, the ignorance to believe that they have all the answers. Companies being held back, relationships failing, children suffering because of people's inability to see past their own misinformed egos.

What's wrong with being inept? What's wrong with being clueless?  What happens when you give the power to your spouse, a young college intern, your kids? What would happen if you took advice and appeared to "not have a handle on everything?" 

What happens when everyone around you has lost their purpose because you have taken all the power, all the decision making, and the final say? What happens when you feel everyone around you is wrong or incapable? What do you do to their confidence? If you have all the power, say and ability, what does that say about the people around you? Why do you feel that everyone around you is incapable and  if they are, WHY did you surround yourself with idiots?

Many people rewrite their wedding vows to remove the woman's portion that refers to obeying her husband. I am not saying that I disagree, I actually prefer the word "submit," and what is so wrong with submission? I am not suggesting anyone submit to a person who will control them or be abusive, but to submit to the person you've decided is the very best life partner you could have ever found, makes sense.  Can you submit to anyone other than a person whom you respect, love and trust? No, but to suggest that you CAN'T submit to the person who you have chosen to be your spouse is counterintuitive to the very reason for choosing that person to marry.  Say it with me...submit...think about why it is scary and there you will open a door....

We are suppose to submit to our parents and to God. We actually submit to our jobs, our bosses and the IRS, but to vow to submit to our spouse, our life partner, makes us uncomfortable?  Should we consider recognizing that our partners are worthy of our submission before we decide to marry them? Should we know that the person whom we are about to commit our entire life to is worthy of handing over tasks that we will be ok to not control? Should we evaluate our current relationships and ask ourselves if we are allowing ourselves to submit, and why we are not?

Control freaks wear the label "Control Freak" as a badge of perfectionistic honor. They feel that to control is to be the all knowing, all doing. "They've got it under control." But what does control freak really mean? To me it means Untrusting, Afraid, Fearful, Scared, Abused, Unloved, Angry. Because to feel that without you, the people around you would fail to survive, that without you, nothing would go right.

This can only come from a place of fear, a fear of giving control a fear the the world they they live in is so fragile, so "about to be destroyed," that controlling it is the only way. The fear that to lose control, and give over control, would turn their world upside-down.. and that just can NEVER happen... again.

I know when I am starting to control. It is almost like a swirling tornado surrounds me, a swirl of fear, a wave of needing it NOW, MY WAY, NOT DOING IT FAST ENOUGH.  And then he says it... "I've been doing it this way for 39 years...." and then I let him make his PB&J without my "help."

Self awareness is a scary thing to become, well, aware of. Who wants to look at themselves and see that they are living in fear, that the badge "Control Freak" isn't just taking charge, but actually is dis-abeling our partners, our co-workers and our children. To control is to cripple, to control is to distrust, to control is to fear.

Ignorance isn't merely bliss, it can be strength, it can be peace.