Does anyone NOT dream of a size 6?

I think I should be allowed to have one day of my life that I don't think about my weight.  That would be an amazing day.  Everyday I wake up and start my obsession about weight. I don't just obsess about my weight, I obsess about everyone's weight.  I think about how a person's weight in proportion to my weight makes their life better than mine, equal to mine, or probably more difficult.  I see a "skinny" person and dream how they probably don't have any problems, "oh how it must be great to be them and try on clothes, or never have to worry about a double chin when taking a picture....."

The thing about weight is that you are never away from it, it goes with you everywhere you go, no matter what. Every time you button your pants or see yourself in a bathing suit, you are reminded of your inability to control yourself with chips and salsa...just sayin.

I am sure that I am not only a product of our weight-obsessed society, but I am without a doubt a product of my family's obsession about the body.  When I talk to my dad on the phone, within minutes of the "hello," he asks how my workouts are going.  The sharp cringe that I feel when I say "not working out right now" propels my feelings of self-hatred to a place only hours will cure.  When I speak to my mom, she relates stories of people's happiness in direct proportion to their current weight and as I hear her words I find myself looking at the roll under my bellybutton and ask myself, "what's eating me?" 

The flab on my arms, the giggle of my thighs, the double under my chin are constant reminders that I am not doing all that I can and "should" be doing.  It makes me wonder why I just can't get my shit together? I end up asking myself, "am I unhappy and just don't know it?"  It is never ending.  I just want to turn it off. I want to silence Vicky, (that is the name of my "you suck for eating" voice).  I just want her to shut the hell up for one day.  

"They" always say, "models and Oprah don't really look that way, they have teams of people to make them look like that" and lighting, and airbrushing...blah blah, I don't care. I want to be a size 6. Oh to wake up and be a size 6. Then they say, "they have chefs and trainers and that is there job to look like that"...blah blah blah.

My husband is literally the most amazing person I know. He is completely ok with himself. I am not saying he shouldn't be, I am just saying he is or acts completely confident. I can tell him he is handsome or gorgeous or anything and he just says "thanks!" not.. "no I don't" or "what-ever, I look a mess" like I would or feel?! He just accepts it.  How does he do that?  

I want to wake up tomorrow and KNOW that my weight doesn't matter. I want to not think about my thighs and what Vicky is saying about them. I want to eat a pancake or a bite of cake and not have a care in the world.  I am not saying I want to be fat, I just want to turn off the noise and the programming that tells me that being a size 6 means your happy.

My 11 year old tells me to be happy the way I am. Mind you I NEVER talk about being fat or anything in  this house.  I carry myself with confidence and until recently my husband didn't even know I had this constant "you fat slob" playlist in my head.  Don't get me wrong, when I am thinner, I am a cocky little sucker, can't touch this, but when I am post vacation, like today, I am a wreck. But why should I be cocky when I am thinner? Either way, it's nuts?! Being a weight shouldn't define my self acceptance!

I wonder if every woman feels this way? Do men? Does everyone place their self-worth, their confidence, their happiness in their jean size? Is it ever possible to be pudgy and happy or pudgy and NOT think about being skinny? Will I ever NOT think about my weight? How do we turn off that playlist? How do I get Vicky to zip it? Am I programmed forever?

I have figured some things out from an amazing book that I would recommend to everyone.  Women, Food and God.  Search Amazon.com for Women, Food and God It may be the greatest book I have ever read.  It has helped me to 1) name Vicky and thus realize that the voice in my head isn't truth, 2) realize why I don't stop eating when I am full, and 3) realize that if someone says something awful to me I won't die (I know that sounds ridiculous but I use to be terrified of confrontation). 

Am I this way because I am the product of a dad who has entered body-building competitions at the age of 60, because he is in THAT great of shape? Maybe I am just a woman who sees the world around her as better or prettier, (but never smarter).  Maybe I am still under the impression that if I could just be a size 6, life would be that much better?  

I am not sure what or who put all these crazy thoughts in my head.  I know it is healthier to be thin than it is to be fat. I know it is better to exercise in moderation than to do nothing. I know this all to be true. In shape, doing a workout, eating right--all good things. But there has to be a way, without taking some mind-altering drugs, to not think about what I should or wished I looked like. There has to be a way to feel confident in the moment I am in. 

I am not sure if I will every find that place of mental peace. I am not sure if I will every get Vicky to shut her trap. Who knows? Today I will just do my best to eat right, go for a walk and tell myself I am perfect the way I am....until tomorrow when I walk by someone in size 4 jeans, walking with her four kids and her perfectly placed hair and think to myself that it must be just so great to be her.